I’m Finished!!

Wow, how the time has flown. I started going back to college in November of 2014. Last night – June 29, 2018 I finally graduated with a Bachelor’s Degree in Business Administration with a concentration in Sales and Marketing. I am so proud of myself. I have accomplished one of my many goals that I have set out to do. In fact I am so proud that when my husband asked me why I had them put my whole name on the diploma, I told him because it is a way for me to show honor and respect to my parents who raised me and knew that I would be able to one day accomplish the goal. Even though they physically were not there last night I know that they were there in spirit. I know that he didn’t think that it was right for me to do that, but it’s not his diploma. It is mine. I earned it and I had them put the name on it that I wanted on it. I could have told them to just put my first name, middle name, and maiden name and had no reference made to my husband at all. However, I didn’t do that. I made sure that since he has worked so hard for me to be able to accomplish this particular goal. Our last name was put on it as well. I have never felt so emotional about a diploma or accomplishment before as I did for this one. Don’t know why except that I know that I made my parents, grandparents, and my family proud. That was all that mattered the most. I know that there were a couple of people that would have liked to have been there, but couldn’t. Although I know that they were there on my mind and in spirit.

Now all that time that I have spent in studies, I can focus elsewhere for a while. So, after many different thoughts and people suggesting that I should do something. I think that I just might. However, it will be a little while before I begin it because I have some other things that need to take priority first…lol. So, over the next few months, July and August at least, I will be pounding the ground running with my job, in order to make it in the AFLAC Insurance business, and to get my home back into to tip top shape as some would say. Then around September and October, I plan to really buckle down more on family history, writing my book that I am going to be planning out, and working on making crafts of all kinds to sell – including candles, and soaps. I will be taking a few trips in there as well. It will surely be a great time the next few months as there is a lot of hard work ahead of me, but I know that if I can accomplish the goal above, I can and will accomplish anything.



Here we are, only a few hours away from ringing in 2018. Usually at this time of the year many people, many Americans will make resolutions to loose weight, better life, to be a better person, to do some new things, and to get out of bad situations, to do good, to grow in their faith and belief in God. Have you thought about instead of making resolutions each year that you set the goal that this is what you will do this year and act on it? I never would make new year’s resolutions, but I also never set goals for me. Oh I would have the dreams to do this or do that, but I never would act on them. So, this year I am going to make changes in my daily life. I am going to get out there and I am going to exercise daily. I am going to read my Bible daily. I am going to finish my schooling, and graduate in June. I am going to find that new job that pays well or will give me the financial freedom that I need. Yes I it will take time to build but I do plan on doing it. I plan on becoming financially free. I plan on loosing that weight so that by the next time that my family and friends in Texas, and Alabama see me they will see how much weight I have lost and they will also see how much I have changed and how I have grown over the years. Even though I do not have my parents with me on earth any longer I KNOW I WILL SEE THEM AGAIN.  Well, I am going to end this tonight. I pray that everyone has a safe, healthy and Blessed New Year!

Sadness During the Christmas Season

How the time has flown by this year. At the beginning of this year I was going on a cruise, working a job that I enjoyed, then burying my father, Celebrating Easter, and all birthdays and holidays without both of my parents. This Christmas Season, I find myself more depressed, and saddened knowing that mom’s death anniversary just passed, Christmas is in a couple of days, and then their wedding anniversary is on the 30th. As I find myself being selfish wanting my parents here and to be around loved ones who truly love me, I begin to realize that I am not the only one out in this crazy world that want their loved ones with them at the holidays. Just earlier this week I found out a friend and her parents lost her grandfather. I’ll be making an appearance Thursday night for the viewing and possible the funeral on Friday. Love this family, they’ve been a bit of a fresh breath over the last couple of years. I went to school with the friend, and then became friends with her parents with my husband. Because her Stepfather worked with my husband. I know that they are grieving and that they are wishing that he would be here. Just as I found out that another friend who I worked with lost her husband the day before Thanksgiving. She’s hurting and it just isn’t the same for her family either. Then today, I find out that a high school classmate passed away yesterday. He had started making changes in his life and he had come to know Jesus Christ. He had really come a long way and he is leaving behind his wife, and children and the many friends and family that loved him and knew him and respected him. I sometimes will make the statements that I don’t know how much more I can take. While I know that this is just me still hurting and grieving myself. Just as my friends and family have been there for me I will be there for my friends and their families.

This time of the year can be trying, and tough. As long as you have Jesus Christ in your life and your heart, and you have that personal relationship with him, you will never be alone, as I have felt at times just since my father’s passing. We can left each other up this Christmas Season. While death’s door is always around us someone is always loosing someone that they love and care about during this time of the year. So, I am inviting you and your family to find a church this coming weekend. Spend time together with your family and friends worshipping our Lord and Savior. If you do not have a home church or you are visiting family and they do not have a home church, then I invite you to Maple Heights Baptist Church – 144 W. Funderburg Road, Fairborn, Ohio 45324 on Sunday, December 24, 2017 for our Christmas Eve Day Service at 11:00 a.m. We will not have a Sunday night service as we would normally. We will be spending those times with our own families and friends. At Christmas while we celebrate Jesus’ birth, Easter we celebrate his death and resurrection. So, that’s what I plan to do for my loved ones and the loved ones of my friends who have lost their loved ones – Celebrate the Life of their loved ones. Be there, and show support of them. Let them know that they do not have to be alone during this time.

I probably will not write again until the first of the year, however, I want to wish each and everyone of you a very Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year. God Bless!

2017 in Review up to today – 9/30/2017

Wow, it really has been a long time since I really did anything here last. 2017 hasn’t been the best to me yet, but that’s okay. I am letting God control the outcome of 2017. Started out the year with dad in the hospital, then nursing home, then hospital. Mike and I and some family on our cruise in March. Then dad passing away the Wednesday before Easter. This year is the toughest for me on holidays. Especially when it is a Federal Holiday and it’s a day to make sure to have your flag flying. Both of my parents were my life. They loved me unconditionally. Their love was God rejoicing. Their faith was one in a million. I want a life like that.  I wish that I had it. I wish that I had the strength and the courage that both of my parents had. When they had a hardship of some kind or a disagreement of some kind they always found a way to still love each other conditionally. Many Holidays have passed since daddy passed away. Many countless days also. I am still managing to push through each and every day as best as I can. After my daddy passed. Most children have their siblings, or their spouses to help them out. I have no siblings, and my spouse was not very supportive and didn’t help me with any of the planning. None. He didn’t want any of my family to come and stay with us or spend time with us if he wasn’t liked by them. That’s a very long story, and my husband has his own thinking. He has helped me pay on the housing, the van, dad’s bills and then our own. But he has a way of holding a grudge with me, and blaming me for certain things and why we didn’t have money to do this or do that. While I don’t have much to say on this review of 2017, I do know that it has been busy, hard, emotional, stressful and overwhelming. I haven’t really been able to sleep a great deal. I wake up in the middle of the night, or I will wake up every hour on the hour. There’s yelling, fussing, screaming, being hurt, and many other feelings going on with me. Not having money has hurt us in the long run, because we are having a hard time paying dad’s bills and ours. Everything is still being dealt with in the estate. Trying to figure out what to do about the house, figured out what we will do with the van already, but for other things that I know I need to either sell, or give away to help bring in money. There are items that I really don’t want to get rid of because they are the only pieces that I have of my parents that mean something to me. I know though that I need to do something and I have the strangest feeling that I am just going to have to plan out a garage sale, and then possible sell the house that we currently live in. It may be the only way to manage dad’s estate. I don’t know though. Every time I try to think about or manage to do things, I begin to get fussed at, or yelled at, or screamed at, or someone says that only if you hadn’t quit your job. I know that I have failed at being a wife, and I know that I have failed myself at times, but I surely do not need to be reminded of it every day. I have so much on my mind that it will take forever to write down. I’m so confused, so hurt, so overwhelmed that I can not even think straight. I can’t even get into regular routines of doing things around the house because I know that as soon as I start to do something, I will loose motivation. October 2017 is a new month, new day, and a new week. The things that I have said that I am going to do and haven’t done. I am starting tomorrow. I have to make some changes for me or I may just end up back in the physic ward at the hospital. I just know that is not where I want to end up again, but if it comes to that at least I know that I will be taking care of for a little while. Well, I shall end this for right now. I will write again another day. Praying that I can take a journey to what I truly want for myself, my life, and my family.

Wow, how the time has flown by.

Wow, how the time has flown by.  Seems like it was just yesterday that it was Thanksgiving – the last time that I wrote. So many things have gone on in my life since then that it’s just been crazy. A few things that have happened are that my hubby, stepson & his girlfriend, hubby’s parents, hubby’s aunt & one of her daughters, and I all went on a cruise in March 2017. It was a well deserved trip. Just wish that my daddy had been able to go after all. Kind of hard to do though when he was in the hospital for breaking his ankle, and then his heart going into AFib, and being in a nursing home, getting the pacemaker put in, and then passing away April 12, 2017. It’s still hard to believe that he has been gone for 3 months and 7 days. My daddy was my life after mom past away in December 2011. Yes, I have my hubby and family, but it’s nothing compared to having my father still around to spend time with. The estate is still in probate, and we have at least paid off the funeral home. Mike and I had to do things that we really didn’t want to do just to get the money, but we did it because we didn’t want things to linger out for years to come.

I’m still going to school at DeVry University and if I saw correctly I will be graduating next May/June 2018. I can’t wait. I can and will be able to say that I have graduated college and can move on to doing something with my life and work to bring home the money that we need. It seems that just when we have gotten pretty close to paying off something, the hubby decides to go and do something to cause us to begin paying on item once again. We aren’t thrilled that we had to refinance our truck and our flex, but it was to help us pay off dad’s funeral expenses. I look forward to doing something that I want to do. We’ve planned a trip/cruise for next year and we can’t wait. However, the hubby is starting a new job with the City at the end of the month and so we are going to be limited as to when we will be able to go on our trip/cruise. I need to break away and go some place and not deal with electronics at all – no phone, no laptop, no Ipad, no kindle, no cellphone, no T.V. Just a comfy couch, comfy bed, the woods, and mother nature. It will be great when I can do that, but trying to get the hubby to is another story…lol.

So, as I sit here thinking about what has gone on since last November, I remind myself that there are many great memories there. I’m going to be challenging myself to do many things over the next several months just to see where life will take me. I’m currently not employed with any major companies, however, I am driving for Uber, currently selling Thirty-One, teaching piano lessons, and then making crafts and selling them. Not only am I doing all of that, I am also going to step up and take on the Church Historian position again at the church, along with continuing as the pianist. Plus continue my schooling which won’t be long till I graduate. So let me through out this challenge to you: each day when you get up thank God for letting you see another beautiful day even if it is rainy or snowy; then ready your Bible or devotional; clean one room in your home, and then challenge yourself to do something out of the ordinary – either something you haven’t done in years or something that you have never done. Create your precious memories and enjoy life to its fullest!


What a year this has been for me. I can’t believe this year has gone by so fast. My birthday was a week ago today. I turned the B-I-G 40. Some have asked me what it feels like. Well, it doesn’t feel any different. 🙂

Well, we celebrated Thanksgiving yesterday. There is so much for us to be thankful for. For many of us it is just being thankful to wake up every morning. Others it may be to be able to provide a place to live, or clothes for our family. For me it was being given the chance to play the piano and the flute at the Fairborn Senior Center on Thanksgiving Day. You see, every year our church has helped with the Community Thanksgiving Dinner at the Senior Center. Well, this year my Pastor mentioned in announcements last Sunday that he was in charge of the music and that if anyone would like to they could come and play, and sing if they wanted to. Well, that afternoon while I was working on my homework for class, I felt that I was being led to go and share my talents with the citizens of Fairborn, Ohio. I grew up here, and I wanted to show my Thankfulness to our Community in some way just never knew how to go about it. So I told my Pastor that if he wanted me to I would come and play my flute and the piano. He said that would be wonderful. So I followed God’s lead on this and I must say that I am so very Thankful that I did. The amount of praise that I received not only from my Pastor, but from a young boy scout who was there with his group, and so many of the citizens that it was just busting my bubble at the seems. Yes it was about to explode! But in a very positive way. I was so nervous that they may not enjoy the music at all being that most if not all of my songs are faith based. Gospel to be exact.

I must say the most rewarding thing that I received yesterday was when I began playing my mom’s favorite hymn – ‘Because He Lives’. From where I was at by the piano, playing my flute, I just happened to look up towards a table that was very close to me. When I did I noticed a lady from another country. When I saw her, I heard her as well, that the song I was playing was her song, and that I was playing it for her. She said this to those that were seated at her table. It was at that moment that I realized the voice and nudge that I was having the few days prior were from God. God wanted me there, not to just play, but to show HIS love, to others. Normally I would have played this song on the piano and not the flute. But I had decided to change it up a little and play it this time on the flute. A little later after others had taken part in the music section I had gone back towards the piano and the lady saw me coming up. She came up to me and told me that was her favorite song and thank you for playing it. It was then that I explained to her that it was my mother’s favorite song and that one of our ladies from my church loves to hear me play the flute, and since I had the chance I played it, not just for my mom and my friend from church, but for everyone to know that ‘Because He Lives’ we can always face tomorrow. God doesn’t put us into situations that we can’t handle. I told this lady who was from the Methodist Church up the road, that I really do hope and pray that she enjoyed all of the music and I am grateful to have been able to play her favorite song. God works in mysterious ways.

Not only did I have this joy from speaking with this lady yesterday, but I also had joy from a young boy scout probably about 10-12 years of age. I had just finished what I had been playing on the piano and was taking another break. As I was changing music and waiting for the raffle to finish, he came up to me and said, “You do what you do very well, and thank you for being here.” It was also at that moment that I realized that my time of teaching children is not over. It may not be in Sunday school, or vacation Bible school, but that I have the chance to do it with music as well.

Never doubt the power and peacefulness of God’s love. If I had not had God in my life and as my personal Lord, and Savior, I don’t know that I would have played the music at all yesterday. I thanked Pastor Chris for the chance to play yesterday. It was a moment in my life that I will never forget. Especially being able to bring peace, love, joy, and inspiration to others. God Bless.

Household Chores

Here’s another one for ya. How do you handle the household chores when you have a spouse that works a Full-Time job and a Part-Time job, and is involved in church functions? How do you handle household chores when you live with a parent who has what he or she would call – ‘I don’t want to do anything mood…’ I find it very difficult to get things done or taken care of when no one else wants to help out.

So, what would you do? How would you handle the situations? I’ve tried to handle them with kid gloves so to speak, but at the same time I am tired of living in a dirty house and trying to take care of it all alone. I don’t get even half of my lists done, because of my crazy work schedule at Home Depot. But even still you would think that I would get something accomplished and taken care of daily right. Wrong. I don’t. I’m lucky to get chapters read for class or even homework finished for class.  I can plan and plan and plan all I want to, but it is a never ending cycle of not having enough time in the day.

I try to get into a morning routine of getting up at a certain time, and getting certain things done and finished before I have to head off to work. It just doesn’t happen though. Like taking tomorrow for instance – September 8, 2016 – I have to work at Home Depot from 2:00 p.m. to 6:30 p.m. – First off,  4 and 1/2 hours is not worth my time to go in to work after having to drive 1/2 an hour to work. Secondly, its right in the middle of the day. If I have any appointments I have to get them in before going to work and pray that I will make it to work on time. So usually in that situation I plan on taking the entire day off so that I am not in a rush, or plan on going in later in the after noon like around 4:00 p.m. Even then though I have a tough time trying to get things done before work because the chores that I want to do or need to do I can’t unless it is my day off. On my days of – which are not consective days off, it tends to hurt my chore list. If I am planning to dust, polish, sweep, mop, and vacuum the entire house I need help. I like things to be neat and orderly so that I know where everything is. In fact right now I have the things that I need for school next to me at the dinning room table. I have bills next to me at the table, along with thirty-one. I don’t have a desk area or room to go off into in order to get things done. When I head to bed at night, my spouse comes in at the same time and usually will start to snore so loudly that I can’t get to sleep, or if I can get to sleep I only sleep for about an hour or two before having to get up and move around just in order to get tired again to go back to bed.

So, what do you suggest? I’m going to try tonight to go to bed earlier than I usually do, so that I can try to get up by 7:00 a.m. on a daily routine. It is the only thing that I know to do right now. Any suggestions would be helpful!


Yes, you are reading right. The title of this one is Bedbugs. Why you might ask? Because we have been fighting them for over a year now and we still can’t get rid of the pesky little things. They love to bit me and leave marks on my arms where they have bitten, but they don’t bother anyone else. Why? I hate being covered in bites that I can’t get rid of! We have finally gotten money together to have Orkin come out and do the heat treatment. We have some prepping that has to be done by the 21st, and I feel like I am the only one who really wants these damn things gone. I have started putting things in boxes and moving them out the garage on items that can not stay in the house. Like today (Sept 7, 2016) I took all of our VHS/DVDs and our Wii System cleaned them off, made sure no bugs were inside them and put them in the box. Only took 2 hours tops to do this (because we have so many movies, etc.). Tomorrow before work I will start putting the CD’s and Tapes into boxes and getting then out to the garage. Should only take 2 hours tops. Because of my work schedules, school, and church schedules I have to work on the house when I am off. So, this is what I’ve been doing. Well, today it just seems as though no one else in this house wants to get things prepared and ready for the company to come in and do their jobs. I know that there are some things that we can’t do until the day before, however, other items can be taken care of in the mean time. I mean dad has a card table (or banquet table) up in the dinning room with lots of piles of papers that he’s been going through now for 2 years straight and still hasn’t done anything with. We have a ton of mom’s medical things that we can’t use and he won’t get rid of them either. I’ve never seen such a house and shed filled with things that we won’t be able to keep anyways. I have lived this way long enough. Bedbugs BE GONE! How do you get your spouse, or even your father to help you get the house ready for the exterminators when 1) they don’t want to take time off from work, 2) won’t clean things up in such as of paperwork that needs to be put away or gone. Why is everything being put off or on me to do when I have to practice the piano, have school work to complete and reading to complete, work my part time job with thirty-one and part time job with Home Depot? Do they not realize that I can’t do everything on my own? I can’t move huge furniture out to the garage/side of the street alone.

I am at a loss as to what else to do and how to encourage my spouse and my father to get a moving on helping with getting things off the walls, and things put away. What would you do to encourage your family that you are living with to help you daily in getting everything prepared?

How Do You….

I have a question for anyone who wants to try to answer.

How do you respond to someone who you are married to, who says about 1 week after you marry that he doesn’t want children after he is 40?

Have another question.

How do you respond to someone who wants sexual relations all of the time, but told his mother just recently that he is finished having children?


These are questions to be thinking about. I have had this happen to me. How do I handle these topics? Well, it’s very, very hard. Let’s take the first question. About 1 week after my husband and I were married in 2001, and had gone on our honeymoon, which was only 3 days, I discussed with my husband who was only 29 at the time of our wedding, about having children. He all ready had a son who was 2 1/2 when we married. He was very stern that he didn’t want any more children after he turned 40 because he would then be around 60 or 70 when the child graduated high school. I responded to him by letting him know that if he really wanted children with me and he turned 40 before we had any children that he couldn’t put a time frame on it. I was only 24 years of age. So I was still fully in the child bearing years. I hit 30, still no child. I hit 35, still no child. It was then that I started believing that I would never have any children of my own or that I couldn’t have any children of my own. By this time my hubby had hit 40. (There is a 5 year difference between us.) I remembered how stern he was in saying “No more children after I turn 40 years old.” As I remembered this at that time, I began to sink into depression thinking and believing that I was to fat, to ugly, that I wasn’t good enough, etc. It was also then that I realized I would never have a child of my own. So I gave up on having children. I began to get heavier, lost energy, ate more, became a diabetic, etc. I found myself in deep depression at times that I would end up being admitted to the physic ward at the hospital. As time has gone on I have believed that I still can’t have children, because I am getting to “old” as some would say.

Just this past year I began to get more involved in eating healthy, drinking lots of water, and exercising. Yeah I am not trimmed down to where I want to be yet, but I am working on it. I also started really working with my diabetic doctor to get my sugars under control. I’m going in the right path, but I still needed assistance with getting pregnant. So, I made an appointment with my OBGYN and he sent a refferal to a fertility specailist and I went to see him. They had me doing certain things, and lots of blood work, come to find out, I did have some issues in getting pregnant. So, I received a call one day about the labwork and found out that my A1C – diabetes numbers – where at a 9.6. I was suprised. So I asked what do I need to do to get things rolling to get my diabetes more controled in order to get pregnant. I was given information, and also told to get with my Diabetic doctor to see what can be done. So I did. I now have a doctor that is willing to work with me and push me to get my numbers down. This last time I went to see her, my A1C had come down to an 8.6 I believe. So, I asked her what else can we do? She had me do some tests, she changed my meds around took me off 2 and put me on 2 of another. I’ve gone to talk to a Diabetic Nurse in how to take the insulin with a syring, then I’ve talked with the Dietician and have received information on counting carbs, and logs to write information down on. It’s been great to have this information infront of me and the people talking with me, not at me.

So, this brings me up to the present time. Just the other day (Sunday), my husband and I were out at his parents home celebrating my mother-in-laws birthday. We were all in the kitchen eating and having a conversation about school. There was a question that was asked and then answered. Then another question was, “Does this mean your done?” If you were me, sitting at the kitchen table finishing up your drink, what would you think? I just sat there thinking okay so now the truth comes out. I thought to myself, and you want sex tonight? I sat quietly, wondering if it is worth it to continue with trying to have a child. We came home and I finished up my homework, had supper, spent time with the dog, and was getting ready to head to bed. Decided to take my shower, then my meds, and then go to bed. My husband comes in at that moment, wanting sex, I give in because I am tired of hearing him beg. Later that evening I am still laying there in bed wondering where I went wrong in thinking that he was truly serious about changing his mind and wanting to have a child with me. As I lay there thinking, he comes in to go to bed. He asked for a kiss. Recluntantly I gave it to him. Then I said to him, “Why should I give you sex when you told your mom this afternoon that you were finished having children?” He tried to say that wasn’t what he said or she said. I told him that it was. I also explained to him that it truly hurt so much that I wanted to leave the house at that moment with out him. I told him as well that I would stop all process to have a child with him. He says that isn’t what was said. So instead of arguing with him I stopped talking and went to sleep. So, how would you have responded. Today I told him again how hurt I was and that I know what I heard. Although I am sitting here wondering why should I even bother giving him sex any more? Why should I even bother sleeping in the same bed? I don’t know how I will answer these but I know I’ve been hurt once again by my husband. I don’t know whether I should be mad, or angry. However, at this point I have kept my feelings to myself. He has asked for sex again tonight, and I’ve already expressed to him my no.

How do you think I handled it? How do you think I should handled it? Should I go on with dealing with the fertility specialist? Should I continue trying to have a child with him? What do you think?

Let me know. I look forward to reading your responses.

Posts About Children

I know this is going to be a different and probably a conversational piece. Although I need to write this it probably won’t go much further, who knows. I’ve got to get this off my chest and I feel that the only way that I can do this peacefully without starting any negativity on my Facebook page, is by writing it here. So here it goes.

This is the only time that I will say something about this topic and I pray that others will be respectful to what I have to say. As I truly do love hearing and reading about my friends and family with new little babies or about their children getting to a certain age or year in school, it is so extremely hard not to be a “Negative Nancy” as some would say.  As most people know I don’t have any children of my own. God just hasn’t blessed me with any yet. However, I am turning 40 this year and the more that I see my OBGYN about having children I begin to have major doubts about it. I mean major doubts. I start to cry every time I see a post about someone having a baby, or someone’s child graduating. While yes, I do have a STEP SON, it is totally different. HE IS NOT MINE BIOLOGICALLY. I have probably been a better mother figure to him than his own mother at times probably, but it just truly is not the same. I can love any and every child that is brought into my life, but I also know that there is no love like a mother’s love to a child of her own flesh and blood. I hurt. I cry. I get depressed. I get lonely. My husband just doesn’t understand what it means for me to have a child of my own. I truly wish that he did. He doesn’t want any more children even though lately he’s been changing his mind. I know deep down in his heart that he truly doesn’t want anymore. He won’t be honest with me on this topic and so I truly hurt deep down and deep inside. Why am I the one that has to constantly “give in” so to speak to his feelings, and to what he wants? Why am I not allowed to be happy? Why does my medical history come into play when it comes down to having a child? I can ask all of the why’s that I want, and I still will never get my answer. I haven’t been given an answer even by God. I am so trying hard, to work on my medical issues, but when you live with a family member who has “I don’t want to do it is,” you tend to start doubting yourself. I know that I am my own worst enemy when it comes to this. However, truthfully and honestly it really doesn’t help when everyone you know is talking about having children of their own. I have given up hope on ever having children, because I believe that my health is the biggest issue. While everyone else posts about their children, their families, and how happy they truly are, I do nothing but cry. I cry so much that when my days are going well and I’ve actually been happy, I just cover it up because I am not suppose to be happy, nor am I to be loved. (That of coarse is a whole other topic.)

I know that this is going to upset or hurt several friends or family members but I have to ask that people please stop posting so much about having children. I know that no one will listen, and that no one really cares, so I am going to have to learn to deal with it. But how? How am I suppose to understand why I haven’t had a child? How am I suppose to understand that my husband doesn’t really want any more children? How? That’s right, I didn’t say why, I said HOW? I think that from the first time that my husband said, not long after we were married, that he didn’t want any more children after he turned 40, has stuck with me and really cut through my heart. I mean it truly was a stab in the heart. I’m always hearing people tell me that ‘Hey there is always adoption, or being a foster parent.’ Well I am sorry to say that I believe that I am never to have children at this point. One of my husbands favorite sayings is that ‘You have to have sex in order to have kids.’ While this I know he doesn’t understand that because I am so fat, ugly, and am a diabetic, that it’s just not going to happen as often as he wants it – which is pretty much every day.

I try to stay positive about having a child. However, I just no longer can. So thank you everyone for keeping up on showing me that it’s just possible that I will never have any children of my own. Thank you for sharing your families with me, and hurting me more deeply. Some people just don’t realize that the true hurt and the real hurt are there. While I don’t really expect anyone to reply to this or to even read it, I have managed to keep my truer thoughts to myself as to how I really feel and what I really want to say. However, I am a Christian – a child of God’s and it would be degrading to him if I were to say some of what I have been thinking.