What a day this has been. It is February 5, 2016 and I was up at 8:15 a.m. this morning getting ready for my doctor appointments. It started off at the chiropractor getting adjusted, then on to the OB/GYN and then on to see my counselor. The adjustment went just fine and I managed to get in and get out before my appointment time. Which was good. So then I went to the OB/GYN. Got there, signed in, updated information for my yearly appointment. While there I found out that the doctor was running an hour behind schedule this morning, which for me was fine because I wasn’t in any kind of hurry today like others were who came in and ended up rescheduling. As I sat there waiting patiently for my turn I got to thinking a lot more about having children of my own. Here I am 39 years of age and I have not hand one single child of my own. So, when I got called back, I went end to the room undressed like all ladies have to at this appointment and put the gown on. The nurse got my weight and my blood pressure. Yikes, my blood pressure she told me was higher than usual when I had been in. 150/80. Some of my friends in the medical field who know me and the things that I have gone through over the years knows that can be kind of high for me. So as we finished going over the medication list and the nurse had left the room I got to thinking as to why my blood pressure was so high today. I knew I wasn’t nervous that this was an appointment that happens every year so I knew what was going on. Then I got to thinking about how the morning had gone. Nothing unusual there – oh wait a minute – hubby tried to tell me how I was going to make payments to the doctors today. Okay so I chalked it up to that little disagreement. So the doctor came in and did the exam. He didn’t notice anything unusual or out of the ordinary. When I sat back up and we were talking, I decided to bring up the question about why I have not gotten pregnant. I mean it is not like my husband and I don’t have sex. We do. Probably not as often as most married couples primarily because of our work schedules and my schooling. Anyways, the doctor decided to go ahead and order some blood work to be done just to get a base line as to what might be going on. As we discussed in depths just a little more about it he asked about my cycles and if they were occurring regularly. That’s my struggle (daily/monthly struggle). As you see, my cycles have never been regular even since I started having them. The first two years of having them, they were just as normal as any other young girl’s with their periods. As I began to get older I noticed that they were not coming as often as they should. So, mom and I went to the doctor to find out. Nothing was wrong, just maybe stress of school. Okay. So, the doctor said that it is possible then that I may not be ovulating like I should be. Being at the age of 39 things tend to start becoming fewer and fewer, especially the chances of getting pregnant. There are more risks involved as well. And since I would like to have a child it is possible that there might be some other issues, so he ordered the blood work. Once I left there, I had noticed the time and decided that I would get lunch out and head on to the final appointment. My counselor. I was early, so he saw me early. We talked about everything that was going on recently, currently and things to look forward to. I told him that I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately and it wasn’t about everything else going on in my life, but over having children. I have brought this topic up before but we never really discussed it in depth like we did today. He asked me if I felt that I was obligated to a child. I said no, that I just don’t feel that my life has been filled completely. It’s like there is a missing piece and I am not completely sure what that is. As we discussed it, I really became aware that having a child was for sure a feeling that was missing and that I want to experience.
As I watch all of my friends with their infants/newborns, and children growing up; I find that I just want to hide and cry. I have a step son, who will be 18 years old in a week, I never felt like I really got that special connection with him that a mother gets during pregnancy. He knows that no matter what I will always be there for him no mater what the issues are or what happens in our lives. He knows that I love him and care for him as if he were my own. You see, when I met my step son he was only 2 years old and my husband and I married when he was 3. So yeah I have been there to help raise him into the young man he is today, but we just don’t have that kind of bond that he has with his mother who carried him. I’ve babysat, and changed many of diapers over the years and I’ve always dreamed of having a family that I am focused on and can love like my parents loved me. Even now I sit here with my eyes tearing up and am thinking that I may never get that. All this time I have seriously been thinking that I just can’t have children. So I finally took the next step. I am going to do this blood work and get the results and the medication (needed – if any) or to take that next step with a fertility specialist. The next several months will be informational and constructive as to what I need to do for my health so that I can become pregnant and fill that void that I feel.
This has been a touchy subject for me when ever someone asks if I have children. My answer is always no – only a stepson. Then I usually have to say that I can’t have children of my own. Every time someone will say that they are so sorry to hear that and will change the subject to something else. So over the next several months, weeks, days we will see where things lead to. I’m going to be keeping a better record of when I have my cycles so that the doctor will be able to help me to understand why I have not gotten pregnant yet. During this period of time I’m sure I will touch on the subject again. Until then thank you for letting me post this and really get it out in the open. Take care and God Bless.
“For His faithful love to us is great; the Lord’s faithfulness endures forever. Hallelujah!” Psalm 117:2 (HCSB)