I was just recently watching a couple of videos on the laptop about women having children. I got to thinking about what I would do if I was in their situations. I have to say that I don’t rightfully know what I would do.
These days I am constantly wondering if I will ever have a child of my own. As much as I want a child of my own, and I want to know those feelings that every new mom experiences I just don’t know if it will ever happen. Since my doctor’s appointment on the 5th of February with the OB/GYN, my husband and I have had intercourse 3 different times. Each time that we have sex I begin to wonder if I will get pregnant this time. Or will I even be able to conceive? My heart yearns daily for a little one of my own. I even will sit here and cry or lay in bed and cry myself to sleep because I feel like I have missed out on so much in that part of life with my stepson. It weighs heavily on my mind day in and day out. Even more so today – February 14th – because not only is it Valentine’s Day, but it is my stepson’s 18th Birthday. I’ve watched him grow up since he was 2 – he turned 3 just before his dad and I married.
I think that over the years I have tried to work myself to the ground or to the bone so that I could fill that void of not having children of my own. It’s been rough. It’s been tough. Every time my cycle comes around I feel like I have failed in even getting pregnant. I know that I haven’t however, it does begin to make sense that some light was shown as well when I had that appointment. I ask God daily to give me signs that everything will be alright and that I will have at least one child of my own sometime soon. I don’t know how I will ever deal with the pain I feel of not being able to have children of my own. The pain right now that I feel, is so strong that I want to just run and hide some where and never be found. I do notice at times that when I see the pictures of friends and family with their little ones or their grandbabies. I always wonder if I will ever have that same feeling.
I know that I’ve turned this situation over to God so many times, that I don’t know that I will ever bear children of my own. I feel like I am not worthy of having children. However, all I can do right now is continue to pray about this and let go of the control so that God can work in my life with this situation. So, for those of you who are having the same problems with not being able to get pregnant just remember there are other ways and a lot of help. Praying for all. God Bless.