Shedding a new light in order to see the future. Yep, that is what I am prayerfully trying to do. I’ve been going to school now for a little over a year at DeVry University. They have a satellite office in Beavercreek. I’ve been doing fairly well at the courses that I have already taken with A’s and B’s. The last class that I had just finished 2 weeks ago I didn’t do nearly as well in, but I received a C and told myself that just because I got a C doesn’t mean that I did as terrible as I had thought. Seeing as how I had totally messed up on a test/quiz and then on the Final. It’s not going to get me down in the dumps like it use to in years past. In fact it’s made me more determined to study harder and revamp some study habits. However, this isn’t all that is shedding a New Light for me.
Last week I wrote my husband a letter, and told him how I have been feeling about many different things over the last couple of months with our marriage and relationship. Because of our work schedules we have a really hard time getting time to just sit down and talk and spend any quality time together. So in this letter I explained how I felt and how I think it would help us in the long run to handle certain situations differently. So far we have. In fact this New Light is partly because just since Friday we’ve spent a little more quality time together (which yes it did put a damper on my first week of class), but it was needed. However, there are other issues rising up that are going to get us into a heated argument when we go to talk about our bills this next Thursday/Friday. Well, that’s where I am going to discuss things with him and how we handle all money in our accounts. We both have a tendency to spend when we believe that we have enough money to cover us until 2 weeks later. In some cases we do, other cases, like this past week and weekend, we don’t have enough to carry us to Friday this week. (I just checked – 😦 – oh well). We both goofed up and right now there is nothing that either of us can do about and there is no need for either of us to get upset at the other. Thank goodness though I will be getting paid from a Thirty-One party I did get to close out on Saturday. However it won’t be until the 25th of the month but I’ve got customers that have to pay me with a check or cash anyways. That’s the only way that they prefer to pay. Which is fine for me if I have the money or an actual credit card that I can use just for this reason. But when you are so broke yourself that you can barely pay for your item, it makes a huge difference. Especially when all of your resources are used up because your spouse wanted to do things differently in years past. Well, anyway, I’ll not get on that soapbox, because if I do the words will come back to haunt me.. lol.
Back to this New Light. I was at church Sunday Morning for Sunday school at 9:45 a.m. and then for morning worship at 11:00 a.m. During the Sunday school hour I had sent my 1 student to another class where I thought that he would have a little more fun and be able to do some games. I had mentioned to the Pastor’s wife that I was going to try to get some major reading done for my class because I was already behind and it was the end of the first week. So, she took him into her class. As the time went by I managed to get the room set and prepared for the next Sunday school class hour for next week. And as I was in my classroom, I began to really think about the next church year that we are getting ready to start filling positions for. I began to pray as I did things in the room. I asked God to show me where my priorities lie. I asked him to show me, that if my studying for class was much more important than teaching the 4th, 5th, and 6th graders in Sunday school. I then asked God to also show me if my marriage was really as important as it should be, and that if it is where do I begin. Which is partly why I am still up at 3:00 a.m. on Monday morning (thank goodness I don’t have to work today or I would be in trouble.. lol.). It was during the Pastor’s sermon, actually just before that when the choir was singing “On the Road to Emmaus” as our Special for today. I began to really hear this song more (as I was up in the choir singing) and really began to fill a tug at my heart. As the song went on that tug began to grow more, so when I sat down I said ‘Okay Lord, you have my attention.’ Little did I know that I was going to get a message that I needed to hear more about, and to regain control of my own actions. Yikes! Yep I just said that. I have always thought that I had control of my own actions, but as I was shown in our message today from Romans 12:1-2 (HCSB), I really haven’t been. Hello – where’d the light come from? Yep, there’s the New Light. So, as my Pastor spoke I listened (even though I didn’t really want to hear what was being said today because I had just way to much on my mind), but he spoke on a topic that he doesn’t usually ever bring up in his messages. FACEBOOK. Yep that is right. As he spoke, I thought about all of the times that I had written about wanting to commit suicide and not wanting to lie any longer. How I posted this information out there for the whole world to see. I don’t think that I realized it then what kind of impact it would eventually have on my life. I had friends, oh so many friends, that I didn’t realize that I had, who really showed they cared and wanted to know what was going on and why I was having these kinds of thoughts. Well, there were and still are some major things as to why I had those thoughts. 1) My mother had passed away. 2) Both set of grandparents were now gone. 3) I didn’t believe that my spouse really cared or loved me. 4) Never believed that his family cared for me or loved me. 5) My dad was depressed and missing mom. 6) I had not been able to have a child. 7) Spouse kept telling me over the years that he didn’t want any more children. 8) I was fat, ugly, etc. There was more but I have since worked so hard and come so far that I just don’t think about that time in my life any longer. I think more about when I rededicated my life to Jesus Christ in my Pastor’s office with him and his wife. In fact, if it had not been for the two of them being in the right place at the right time I don’t believe that I would be here and able to share my story. I began thinking more about this during his sermon on Sunday. I sat there and felt like crying because what I had done in the last 10 years was post a lot of negativity about myself and my life on FACEBOOK. However, I also began to smile, because I knew that what I had recently started to do and pay more attention to was not myself, but to God and listening to what God wants me to do and where he wants me to be. Over the last several years I have posted many different Bible verses or scriptures, Bible studies, Devotionals, and now I post a favorite Poet. When I post these poems I make sure that people understand that, that is all it is for me and nothing more. There are no hidden meanings behind these poems for me. Even though I know that some probably should. They just don’t.
One day last week or the week before I posted that I felt stupid, and that I just didn’t feel like things were going right. However, when I posted those statements, there was no hidden messages, or thoughts, just me stressing how I felt in the moment because my spouse and I had just fought over money. But I realized that I didn’t say anything after posting those 2 different statements. I didn’t let people know at that moment that truly everything was fine, and that I was not going to harm myself. I was just feeling so stressed out and hurt that I had to vent a little. So, you see, in this ‘New Light’ I realized that I needed to really take on responsibility for my actions. Like when I go to the grocery store and end up paying $350.00 in groceries and some clothing. That’s not what I had gone in for and I seriously thought that I had items listed on my perks card. Little did I know that there wasn’t anything at all. So it really surprised the heck out of me and I have been trying to figure out how in the world I was going to be able to discuss this with my spouse. Well then it was all week long where I couldn’t get the nerve up to discuss it, and still haven’t figured out how too yet. Then over the weekend we go walking at the mall and we were suppose to talk about my letter that I had written him, and that’s where I was hoping that I would get up the nerve to tell him what I had done. Nope, still haven’t said anything. So when he started spending money and buying things with the debit card, I realized that once he finds out he will get pissed off, and he will fuss, and yell, and scream, and call me every name in the book. So, when I heard the pastor’s sermon that’s when I realized that I should have just put off somethings till this next payday for a catalog party that I was closing out this past Saturday. Just in that evening alone, I spent $425.00 ish. Not got especially when I spent the other amount for groceries.
So with the New Light, I’ve made a few decisions in just a couple of hours after that sermon, that I was going to talk with my counselor and my pastor, about a few things. So today will be that day. Prayerfully when I get home today I can shed some light on a few things for myself and then I will be able to explain to my spouse how I fudged up and let him believe what he was about our money situation. Things will come to a head, and he’ll fuss and I am sure that words will be said that shouldn’t be, but as long as I can keep my cool and let him know that it wasn’t done intentionally, and that I had seriously miss calculated my numbers that day I went to get groceries. Hopefully and prayerfully my spouse will understand that things do happen and that we just need to get a better plan and try to stick with it. So, I share all of this with you, to say this. God will always show us a New Light, a new path to walk on. He will find away to show us where we need to slow down, and where we need to make adjustments in our lives. When it comes right down to it, as the pastor said, “I’m fed up to here with the stuff on Facebook. About my sheep.” So in at this time I’ve decided that there will be a lot of posts that don’t get posted on my Facebook page because my page is going to be revamped and things are going to change even more now.
I wasn’t planning on doing any writing today, but felt lead by the Holy Spirit to share. I pray that everyone who sees this will take into thought what it truly costs us in the long run when we share certain things on Facebook. Remember, no matter what you do share, it’s out there for the whole world to see. Be careful with your posting and don’t let Satan tear you down. Praying for each and every one of you. Take care and God Bless.