We all know that there are people out there that can not have children for some reason or another. We also know that there are people out there that can but chose not too. We also know that there are people out there that can and have no partner, or that have a partner but need help with fertility. I am one of those people that know that I can still get pregnant, and it’s now to the point that I am in need of help through a fertility specialist. So I took the necessary steps to start the process. I figured that if after 15 years I still haven’t gotten pregnant something is going on that is a little more serious than I originally thought. The information that I received this morning in my Fertility and Reproductive appointment was very eye opening and really got me to thinking seriously about what steps I need to take in my life to 1) be happy, 2) and to have the family that I am meant to have.

Time and time again, my husband has said when we first got married that he didn’t want kids after he turned 40. So that gave me 10 years to get pregnant. Well, things didn’t happen like they were suppose to. So here we are 15 years later and still no biological child. My husband is now 44 and will be turning 45 in September. I am 39 and will turn 40 in November. So as you can see things just haven’t worked out like they should have. Over the last couple of years I have really brought up having a child of my own more often. He’s reluctant but is willing to have a child with me. Well, as I mentioned earlier that I haven’t be able to get pregnant. So I finally decided that even though I know that it will cost probably thousands of dollars to see the fertility specialist and to get help, I did it. I need to know for a fact that there is no possible way for me to have a child of my own – biologically that is.

So, I make it to this appointment this morning, turn in my paperwork, sit down, and wait to be called back. All the while thinking what am I doing wrong that I can’t get pregnant. What am I doing that is hurting my chances. The first thing that was brought to my attention was that about eating more protein, and less carbs. The next was how my body is producing the insulin, and it is telling my brain not to send FSH. So I’m not ovulating. Wow, that explained a great deal to me. Grant it, it is a lot to take in on the first appointment, but it sure did help in acknowledging where I need to begin and what I need to do in order to try and get things going in the right direction. After the appointment I came home and reflected on what was told to me this morning. I didn’t really do any reading on the information that I was given, but at the same time just what had been discussed was enough to keep me pondering the outcome of my talk with the hubby. I sent my hubby a text message letting him know that we would need to talk about the things that I found out today, and the things that needed to be done today. He said okay. Well when he got home I was laying down in bed, just waking up from a nap that was well deserved. We talked a little bit and I mentioned to him that he needed to do a sperm donation in the cup on the table, but that it had to be done in a certain time frame.  He turned his body and had a look of disgust on his face, and asked, “How much is it going to cost?” and then “Why? I’ve already done this.” As I explained to him that even though we had done this stuff years ago, things can change not only with me, but with him as well. I learned that his sperm may not be as healthy as they once were. And that there were many reasons that things could have changed. I also reminded him that we had done the testing of his sperm back when we were going to a certain doctor who we no longer go to. So it’s been at least 6 or 7 years since that screening. Then he wanted to have sex just because he was going to have to be missing work for appointments with the specialist, and because he “wanted it” anyway. I told him no, not now. I didn’t give in to his whining of sex. After his whining I started to realize that he never wanted children with me. He wanted someone who is his sex toy, and that will no all the hours that they can to make money for him. Yep, that’s right. Money, and sex are his top priority. Not making sure that I am happy, healthy, and can have children. Money, money, money and himself is all that he cares to think about.

As I sit here at the table getting ready to start my homework for my class I see the collection cup on the table. I see the folder that I was given for the things that I need to do. I am wondering, if it is seriously worth it to go through the process with someone who proved that he doesn’t want any more children. Do I need to prove to myself otherwise, that he does want them and that I am just doing it to “spend money”? I don’t know. That’s where I’m stuck. I know that I want to go through this process to see if it is even possible. If not the doctor has already agreed to stop, because he doesn’t want us to waste time and money. I’m just concerned and wonder where it will all lead to once this process is fully under way.

Remember, if you have a loved one or a friend that is going through this type of issue be supportive, and remind them that they are loved. Remind them that with faith in God anything is possible.

Advertisements