Interesting – that’s all I can say. It isn’t even 10:00 a.m. yet and my hubby decided to question me about a bill being put in the mail. At 9:30 a.m. is when he starts this. Actually no he started this at 6:43 a.m. asking me if I have gotten his dad’s Father’s Day card yet. Goodness, let me freaking wake up, get dressed, get breakfast, and meds, and let me have some time to myself. Is that to dumb to ask for? I mean, look, we just paid some bills last night, we don’t have stamps, and I am not dressed to go anywhere yet. How could I have mailed the payment? It’s little tiny stuff like that, that he begins to get on my nerves with and he knows that I don’t usually get up until somewhere around 9:00 a.m. I am still trying to adjust to having a c-pap machine going, and he’s questioning me about every little detail. Let me get my morning caffeine in me – just like you want your morning coffee in you, I want my morning caffeine in me before I get these kinds of questions. Is that to crazy to ask for? No I don’t believe that it is. Sometimes I wonder if my hubby really remembers much of anything that I say to him. I always seem to be repeating myself to him, or answering questions that have no meaning, rhyme, or purpose. I mean yes, he had a car accident way before we even met. But seriously to keep playing that card. OMG (Oh My Goodness). I give him so many chances and so many times he has failed to see that, because he will bring up things from the past that piss me off, because he will keep hounding away at it. Well, it’s already been an interesting morning? How is the rest of this day going to go?
Wow, how about that. 2 times in 1 day about the same freaking topic. I can’t get a break.
About this one. My hubby and I are taking a cruise next April with my stepson and his girlfriend, my dad, hubby’s Aunt, and hubby’s parents. Well, hubby “gave” me permission to pay off the cruise for all of us. So I said okay. Well, that’s not what has brought me back a second time in 1 day for this posting. What has is as follows:
Just before I leave to go pay on our cruise for next year, dad brought the mail in. I looked through it and opened it all up so that we could look at it later this evening. I came across 2 checks from our place of employment. Both check’s were the same amount. I messaged the hubby and told him that I was going to put these 2 checks into the bank when I got back from AAA. So, I did. I used the Mobile Banking system that our bank has. I then get a message back which is at the end of his shift at work, while he is headed to his second job. This text reads as follows: “I want those in fun account.” = hubby; “I all ready deposited them in the main.” = me; “I want to do those checks” = hubby, “I had to sign them” = hubby; “Didn’t know. “All I had to do was write for mobile banking. You should have said something about it long before receiving the checks. How was I suppose to know.” = me; “They were made out to me” = hubby; “One was mine. Yes they were made out to you. I open the mail. I do the banking too. We are going to argue over this. we’ve never argued over it before. Such drama. I am finished with drama.” = me; “I thought putting them in the bank would be top priority but again I am wrong. I am always wrong. So from now on I guess I don’t open any mail with your name on it that may contain money. I won’t ever open any mail of yours anymore. So if you don’t open it before the time it expires then we have lost out on extra money that we could (excuse my language here) fucking have used. Don’t come crying to me over something that you forgot to do.” = me; “Also, since I don’t do anything right, as of today is the last time I will do any of your laundry. Don’t you ever touch mine again. You put one of my new blouses in the washer/dryer without reading the tag on it to see how it was to be washed. Thankful it still fucking fits.” = me; “So there you have control of all of your stuff.” = me. Hubby then tried to call me at this point and because his window was down or the air condition was on it made the connection really bad. So I then stated to him, “Roll up your fucking window if you want to talk to me on the phone.” = me. After listening to his voicemail that he left about the air condition and window. “The only thing that we will talk about is the bills that must be paid tomorrow or the first part of next week.” = me; “That’s not what I said you took out of context. If you care I made it.” = hubby; “I do care. I am just so tired of the drama that you want to pull with me. We can easily take the $150 and put it into the damn “FUN ACCOUNT” since you seem so hell bent out of shape over it. It’s not the end of the world.” = me.
So, as you can tell, this is how that conversation went about the darn 2 checks. He has not yet since replied to my last comment. I guess he must think that he won the argument, when in reality, he has not. You see, it was a few months back that my hubby had gotten all bent out of shape with money (once again – this has never changed), he stated that “we never have any money” – even when there is like 2-4 hundred in the account and it is the end of the month. I don’t understand his way of thinking on this and I never will. But the main thing here that I am upset and hurt by is that I have to “get permission” to make a deposit of money, when we are both married – TO EACH OTHER – Which gives us the right then to open each others mail (because they could be bills that need to be paid.) God forbid that I do anything right. He always shows his backside when it comes to money. I work hard, I may not get the money I won’t or deserve, but I work. I may not have the greatest job – but it is a job. I try to find better jobs, they just are not out there for me right now, and no one is willing to work with me with school and having Sundays off for church. So until I find a way to be able to make money, pay bills, and do school, and get my Sundays off, hubby will never be happy. We have 3 different accounts. The first one we call “the main account”, the second one we call “the FUN ACCOUNT”, and the third account is my account for my thirty-one business so that he doesn’t have to see the money come out of the main account. He is working 2 jobs. I work 1 – regular part-time job, 1 – fun job (thirty-one), plus I am trying to work through 2 work from home business, along with caring for my dad, teaching Sunday school, playing the piano at the church, Church Historian, and special music leader, and in the choir. I also babysit now and then and help a friend out when they go out of town. So what am I to do, give up everything that I love to do? Am I to give up all of my friends and my family? No = he wouldn’t, so why should I. Anyways, I am trying to find ways to get ahead in some of our bills, and sometimes in order for you to start an at Home Based Business you have to fork out money to do so. I’ve done that but not even that much. I can spend like a $1.00 and he will still get all bent out of shape. So in less that 20 days, my hubby and I will be celebrating our 15th year anniversary of being married, and our 16th year of being together. (Our dog will celebrate her 14th birthday around the same time.) And we still seem to argue over the stupid stuff, or the stuff that we don’t want the other to have, or over money – no matter the amount.
I feel at this moment that any money that I get has to be given to him, because he has to have total control of everything. If I continue with “his drama” I could end up doing major damage to myself in the long run, and I don’t want that. So as I told him earlier I am done with his drama. So as of right now I am taking it upon myself to say this to myself. I am much better off without all of the drama, but because it is the way of life (thanks to Satan) I can be the bigger person and take control of my life back. This all begins with me I know. I have to take action if I really and truly want to be happy. Which of course I do, don’t we all?
What an interesting topic, don’t you think so? I am writing about feelings today, because mine have been hurt, and it’s a topic that I think that most of us think about. As some of you know, I am a Christian. I believe in Jesus Christ, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. You know that I am the Sunday school teacher for the 4th, 5th, and 6th grades. I am the pianist/flutist, I am in the Choir, and I am the Church Historian. But I don’t know that you know that I am also in charge of the Special Music at the church. I go around asking members of the church to sing special music on Sundays or Sunday nights, or even for revivals. Well, today I went to the church to get the list of songs for Sunday. I got them and everything there was fine. Recently I started posting a month at a time for Special Music. So that if for some reason I wasn’t at church then at least they could sign up for a morning or evening or even special events. Well, it hasn’t gone over so well yet. However, it’s only been going on for just a little over two -four months. Well, because I only do one month at a time some in the church feel that we should do 3 months at a time. Which is not how I want it done. Being the leader I should be able to make the final decision, because I don’t have anyone else but me to talk with unless I bring it to the Pastor. Well, it was brought to my attention last Wednesday night that some would like for me to post 3 months, so that they could sign up in advance. As that sounds like a good idea and I was willing to give it a try, I wanted to talk with the Pastor first on this. My concern is that the last time I tried to post more than one month it got lost and we had no clue as to who was doing what when. Well, today I went in and I got the numbers for Sunday. As I went to the church office I took a look at where we are posting the listings for special music. To my surprise, and to my disbelief, it was posted for June, July, and August. I didn’t question the secretary about it, because I figured that if she posted it, it was because someone told her to, like the Pastor. So I want to get my facts straight before I say anything to her. I am writing my feelings out about this so that I don’t keep them bottled up and resort back to where I want to hurt myself in someway. I am upset yes, but I also know that there are a few people in the church that think that they know what’s best on how to do things. But they don’t have a clue as to what goes into running a church, and they have no clue as to how music is suppose to be done. Yes, we as a church whole are trying to incorporate some of the new Christian/Contemporary Music so that we can reach the younger generations, and yet at the same time, trying to keep our older generations happy by singing the older hymns. Yes, or coarse it is hard to do, to keep everyone happy that is. I understand it to its fullest. However, I feel like I am being walked all over by certain members of the church who think that they no every little things about how things should be done. They are still to new at being a Christian, and they don’t know everything about music. As I sit here writing this I am trying to keep my cool on it. That’s why I don’t intend to post this unless I feel that I need to. This is more for me just to get my feelings out and down on paper or even in a journal, as to what is going on. Although I feel that this needs to be posted I don’t intend to post it yet. This is just one of a few things that I am writing on feelings.
So, as you read the about story, you could since that my feelings have been deeply hurt over this music business. Well as I was sitting here just typing away, my father decided to make a comment to me, which pissed me off even more. It’s bad enough that he doesn’t “get” what I am talking about being walked all over. But every time that he hears me typing on the computer or laptop he thinks that I am posting how upset and angry I am on Facebook. Yeah, I would have originally posted this straight to Facebook before, but I have other ways to let it out and let it go. His comment was this, “I wouldn’t go posting anything on Facebook about it (my feelings about the special music stuff).” I replied right back with “I am not posting anything on Facebook.” He then commented that he guessed he deserved that. I wanted to tell him that he and Mike are always assuming that when I am typing on the laptop or computer I am always on Facebook, and that I am always posting about what just happened. Well, that use to be me. Now, I find other ways of posting certain feelings on Facebook. Only then when asked about it do I make mention of the actual thing that has caused that particular feeling. I did tell him that I wasn’t on Facebook posting anything. That I have other things to do on the computer than just complain and put everything out there like I use to. I really begin to hate “life” in general when I am told like I am still a little child that I shouldn’t do something or that I can’t tell someone to do something. At those times, I feel like I am just ready to bust out yelling and screaming at whoever said it. I am currently 39 years old and know what I can do, what I can’t do, what I can and cannot post online. I learned my lesson on that last year. Because members of the church felt that it was worth taking to the Pastor about it and not talking to me personally. Along with family members on the hubby’s side going and telling his parents about things that the saw on Facebook, and not talking to me first about it. That particular member of the family I don’t talk to unless she talks to me. Which won’t happen until she gets over the issue at hand. It seems like everyone around me thinks that they can continue telling me what to do, when to do it, how to do it, whatever “it” is. I believe that I am an adult and can make my own decisions about things. Why does everyone think that they can make decisions for me? Why does everyone think that I am not capable of knowing what’s best for me? It’s like they all want total control of my life and I am not allowed to have feelings at all. My husband thinks that way all the time. Which is why he always questions me about things that I do. Guess that this is one for my counselor to help try to explain to me.
So some probably want to know what I am doing about controlling my emotions and feelings. Well, not much. I no longer hold things in and bottle them up. I no longer let people walk all over me. I don’t put up with crap. If they dish it out, then I dish it back. My husband has learned not to piss me off, because then he return I don’t piss him off. My father on the other hand, hasn’t learned to not upset me or I will begin to take it personally – too personally. I get so tired of hearing about this or that. I keep trying to tell dad, not to keep things bottled in and to tell us what he is feeling, and then there are days when I feel like I am suppose to take care of whatever “it” maybe. When I don’t know what he wants done. He doesn’t like being fussed over, he keeps saying that he doesn’t want anything for this or that. Which I totally understand. Of coarse when it comes to dad I try to be a little more cautious as to how I reply to him, seeing as how he is my father, and he is older. I respect my elders, especially my parents. So it becomes hard at times when dad thinks that he knows what’s best at the time, which usually is not.
Life must go on, and our feelings will get hurt, we will get upset, we will get angry, we will hurt someone else, we will say things that we don’t mean, we will argue with others, but we must not keep our feelings bottled up. Our feelings will just eat us up inside if we don’t let them out. I’ve learned this over the last few years going to counseling. My counselor tells me not to hide anything, and not to bottle it up inside, that it will just destroy me. Which he’s been correct on many times. So now I let out what I feel at that moment, and if it is anger I make sure that the person understands that it wasn’t directed completely at them. Life has it’s way of making sure that we are always mixed up, but that also has to do with Satan wanting control of our every moves. It’s an awesome feeling of knowing that God will always be there for us no matter what. God will always keep us in check. That’s why, even though I can get upset and hurt easily, I give it over to God immediately at that time. God is always my strength no matter what life wants to throw at me – I should say what Satan tries to throw at me.
Well, I am exhausted from this writing today. Think that I will get back to work on my part-time jobs, and school work. Thankful today that I don’t have to work Home Depot. 🙂
Well, it’s been a couple of crazy weeks. The days have been long, and the nights shorter. I’ve been studying hard for my class, working my part-time job, trying to take care of the house, watch over dad, take care of my family, and trying to work 2 other jobs as well. Along with trying to take time out for me, myself, and I. Unfortuantly I have only been able to take care of myself in the way of going to doctor appointments, and taking Excedrin migraine or Tylenol. Seems that lately sleep is not there for me. A couple of weeks ago, I did the sleep study at home. Turned in my equipment, and went this past Tuesday, for the results. I was diagnosed with a mild form of sleep apnea. So, now I am on a c-pap machine. I was told that I stop breathing at least 12 times a night. I’ve only been using the machine now for two nights. The first night I did manage to get some sleep. The second night, well you can probably guess how that’s going. Not very well seeing as how I am writing this at 2:40 a.m. Seems like when I first go to bed and I finally get comfortable with the machine and the breathing, that I then wake up and can’t go back to sleep for about an hour or two. So tonight I decided to take advantage of this time of being awake and being a bit productive on my end. Sleep is a wonderful thing when you can get it. But when you’ve been awake for hours and can’t sleep, it makes you wonder what is on your mind that is so important. I guess I have many things on my mind that are important. But to keep me awake? To keep me from getting the sleep that I need? Ugh! I dislike not being able to sleep or being so tired that I could and don’t. I know that the two biggest things on my mind at this time of the night are: 1) fasting blood work in the morning, and 2) going to sleep. What are some tricks that you’ve done to stay in bed sleeping? What are some things that you’ve done to get your mind to relax? A few of these things for me is usually forcing myself to stay in the bed and let my body relax. Other things might be to take more medicine for my migraine. Life can throw us fast balls, slow balls, or curve balls, but to throw us a ball that is already way out into left field, can make you wonder. Well, now that I have let my mind wonder I am going to try to go and lay back down. The c-pap machine has to be on at least 4 hours a night. I’ve only just made it to 3 hours. My hubby asked me how long I was to have it on. I couldn’t answer him real well, but I told him that it was at least for the rest of my life. But who knows. I don’t know of anyone who gets off the c-pap machine, but then, I am not a doctor or a nurse, so I couldn’t tell ya. Well I think that it is time for me to try to get back to sleep. Talk with you soon. God Bless.