What an interesting topic, don’t you think so? I am writing about feelings today, because mine have been hurt, and it’s a topic that I think that most of us think about. As some of you know, I am a Christian. I believe in Jesus Christ, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. You know that I am the Sunday school teacher for the 4th, 5th, and 6th grades. I am the pianist/flutist, I am in the Choir, and I am the Church Historian. But I don’t know that you know that I am also in charge of the Special Music at the church. I go around asking members of the church to sing special music on Sundays or Sunday nights, or even for revivals. Well, today I went to the church to get the list of songs for Sunday. I got them and everything there was fine. Recently I started posting a month at a time for Special Music. So that if for some reason I wasn’t at church then at least they could sign up for a morning or evening or even special events. Well, it hasn’t gone over so well yet. However, it’s only been going on for just a little over two -four months. Well, because I only do one month at a time some in the church feel that we should do 3 months at a time. Which is not how I want it done. Being the leader I should be able to make the final decision, because I don’t have anyone else but me to talk with unless I bring it to the Pastor. Well, it was brought to my attention last Wednesday night that some would like for me to post 3 months, so that they could sign up in advance. As that sounds like a good idea and I was willing to give it a try, I wanted to talk with the Pastor first on this. My concern is that the last time I tried to post more than one month it got lost and we had no clue as to who was doing what when. Well, today I went in and I got the numbers for Sunday. As I went to the church office I took a look at where we are posting the listings for special music. To my surprise, and to my disbelief, it was posted for June, July, and August. I didn’t question the secretary about it, because I figured that if she posted it, it was because someone told her to, like the Pastor. So I want to get my facts straight before I say anything to her. I am writing my feelings out about this so that I don’t keep them bottled up and resort back to where I want to hurt myself in someway. I am upset yes, but I also know that there are a few people in the church that think that they know what’s best on how to do things. But they don’t have a clue as to what goes into running a church, and they have no clue as to how music is suppose to be done. Yes, we as a church whole are trying to incorporate some of the new Christian/Contemporary Music so that we can reach the younger generations, and yet at the same time, trying to keep our older generations happy by singing the older hymns. Yes, or coarse it is hard to do, to keep everyone happy that is. I understand it to its fullest. However, I feel like I am being walked all over by certain members of the church who think that they no every little things about how things should be done. They are still to new at being a Christian, and they don’t know everything about music. As I sit here writing this I am trying to keep my cool on it. That’s why I don’t intend to post this unless I feel that I need to. This is more for me just to get my feelings out and down on paper or even in a journal, as to what is going on. Although I feel that this needs to be posted I don’t intend to post it yet. This is just one of a few things that I am writing on feelings.
So, as you read the about story, you could since that my feelings have been deeply hurt over this music business. Well as I was sitting here just typing away, my father decided to make a comment to me, which pissed me off even more. It’s bad enough that he doesn’t “get” what I am talking about being walked all over. But every time that he hears me typing on the computer or laptop he thinks that I am posting how upset and angry I am on Facebook. Yeah, I would have originally posted this straight to Facebook before, but I have other ways to let it out and let it go. His comment was this, “I wouldn’t go posting anything on Facebook about it (my feelings about the special music stuff).” I replied right back with “I am not posting anything on Facebook.” He then commented that he guessed he deserved that. I wanted to tell him that he and Mike are always assuming that when I am typing on the laptop or computer I am always on Facebook, and that I am always posting about what just happened. Well, that use to be me. Now, I find other ways of posting certain feelings on Facebook. Only then when asked about it do I make mention of the actual thing that has caused that particular feeling. I did tell him that I wasn’t on Facebook posting anything. That I have other things to do on the computer than just complain and put everything out there like I use to. I really begin to hate “life” in general when I am told like I am still a little child that I shouldn’t do something or that I can’t tell someone to do something. At those times, I feel like I am just ready to bust out yelling and screaming at whoever said it. I am currently 39 years old and know what I can do, what I can’t do, what I can and cannot post online. I learned my lesson on that last year. Because members of the church felt that it was worth taking to the Pastor about it and not talking to me personally. Along with family members on the hubby’s side going and telling his parents about things that the saw on Facebook, and not talking to me first about it. That particular member of the family I don’t talk to unless she talks to me. Which won’t happen until she gets over the issue at hand. It seems like everyone around me thinks that they can continue telling me what to do, when to do it, how to do it, whatever “it” is. I believe that I am an adult and can make my own decisions about things. Why does everyone think that they can make decisions for me? Why does everyone think that I am not capable of knowing what’s best for me? It’s like they all want total control of my life and I am not allowed to have feelings at all. My husband thinks that way all the time. Which is why he always questions me about things that I do. Guess that this is one for my counselor to help try to explain to me.
So some probably want to know what I am doing about controlling my emotions and feelings. Well, not much. I no longer hold things in and bottle them up. I no longer let people walk all over me. I don’t put up with crap. If they dish it out, then I dish it back. My husband has learned not to piss me off, because then he return I don’t piss him off. My father on the other hand, hasn’t learned to not upset me or I will begin to take it personally – too personally. I get so tired of hearing about this or that. I keep trying to tell dad, not to keep things bottled in and to tell us what he is feeling, and then there are days when I feel like I am suppose to take care of whatever “it” maybe. When I don’t know what he wants done. He doesn’t like being fussed over, he keeps saying that he doesn’t want anything for this or that. Which I totally understand. Of coarse when it comes to dad I try to be a little more cautious as to how I reply to him, seeing as how he is my father, and he is older. I respect my elders, especially my parents. So it becomes hard at times when dad thinks that he knows what’s best at the time, which usually is not.
Life must go on, and our feelings will get hurt, we will get upset, we will get angry, we will hurt someone else, we will say things that we don’t mean, we will argue with others, but we must not keep our feelings bottled up. Our feelings will just eat us up inside if we don’t let them out. I’ve learned this over the last few years going to counseling. My counselor tells me not to hide anything, and not to bottle it up inside, that it will just destroy me. Which he’s been correct on many times. So now I let out what I feel at that moment, and if it is anger I make sure that the person understands that it wasn’t directed completely at them. Life has it’s way of making sure that we are always mixed up, but that also has to do with Satan wanting control of our every moves. It’s an awesome feeling of knowing that God will always be there for us no matter what. God will always keep us in check. That’s why, even though I can get upset and hurt easily, I give it over to God immediately at that time. God is always my strength no matter what life wants to throw at me – I should say what Satan tries to throw at me.
Well, I am exhausted from this writing today. Think that I will get back to work on my part-time jobs, and school work. Thankful today that I don’t have to work Home Depot. 🙂