I know this is going to be a different and probably a conversational piece. Although I need to write this it probably won’t go much further, who knows. I’ve got to get this off my chest and I feel that the only way that I can do this peacefully without starting any negativity on my Facebook page, is by writing it here. So here it goes.
This is the only time that I will say something about this topic and I pray that others will be respectful to what I have to say. As I truly do love hearing and reading about my friends and family with new little babies or about their children getting to a certain age or year in school, it is so extremely hard not to be a “Negative Nancy” as some would say. As most people know I don’t have any children of my own. God just hasn’t blessed me with any yet. However, I am turning 40 this year and the more that I see my OBGYN about having children I begin to have major doubts about it. I mean major doubts. I start to cry every time I see a post about someone having a baby, or someone’s child graduating. While yes, I do have a STEP SON, it is totally different. HE IS NOT MINE BIOLOGICALLY. I have probably been a better mother figure to him than his own mother at times probably, but it just truly is not the same. I can love any and every child that is brought into my life, but I also know that there is no love like a mother’s love to a child of her own flesh and blood. I hurt. I cry. I get depressed. I get lonely. My husband just doesn’t understand what it means for me to have a child of my own. I truly wish that he did. He doesn’t want any more children even though lately he’s been changing his mind. I know deep down in his heart that he truly doesn’t want anymore. He won’t be honest with me on this topic and so I truly hurt deep down and deep inside. Why am I the one that has to constantly “give in” so to speak to his feelings, and to what he wants? Why am I not allowed to be happy? Why does my medical history come into play when it comes down to having a child? I can ask all of the why’s that I want, and I still will never get my answer. I haven’t been given an answer even by God. I am so trying hard, to work on my medical issues, but when you live with a family member who has “I don’t want to do it is,” you tend to start doubting yourself. I know that I am my own worst enemy when it comes to this. However, truthfully and honestly it really doesn’t help when everyone you know is talking about having children of their own. I have given up hope on ever having children, because I believe that my health is the biggest issue. While everyone else posts about their children, their families, and how happy they truly are, I do nothing but cry. I cry so much that when my days are going well and I’ve actually been happy, I just cover it up because I am not suppose to be happy, nor am I to be loved. (That of coarse is a whole other topic.)
I know that this is going to upset or hurt several friends or family members but I have to ask that people please stop posting so much about having children. I know that no one will listen, and that no one really cares, so I am going to have to learn to deal with it. But how? How am I suppose to understand why I haven’t had a child? How am I suppose to understand that my husband doesn’t really want any more children? How? That’s right, I didn’t say why, I said HOW? I think that from the first time that my husband said, not long after we were married, that he didn’t want any more children after he turned 40, has stuck with me and really cut through my heart. I mean it truly was a stab in the heart. I’m always hearing people tell me that ‘Hey there is always adoption, or being a foster parent.’ Well I am sorry to say that I believe that I am never to have children at this point. One of my husbands favorite sayings is that ‘You have to have sex in order to have kids.’ While this I know he doesn’t understand that because I am so fat, ugly, and am a diabetic, that it’s just not going to happen as often as he wants it – which is pretty much every day.
I try to stay positive about having a child. However, I just no longer can. So thank you everyone for keeping up on showing me that it’s just possible that I will never have any children of my own. Thank you for sharing your families with me, and hurting me more deeply. Some people just don’t realize that the true hurt and the real hurt are there. While I don’t really expect anyone to reply to this or to even read it, I have managed to keep my truer thoughts to myself as to how I really feel and what I really want to say. However, I am a Christian – a child of God’s and it would be degrading to him if I were to say some of what I have been thinking.