Wow, it really has been a long time since I really did anything here last. 2017 hasn’t been the best to me yet, but that’s okay. I am letting God control the outcome of 2017. Started out the year with dad in the hospital, then nursing home, then hospital. Mike and I and some family on our cruise in March. Then dad passing away the Wednesday before Easter. This year is the toughest for me on holidays. Especially when it is a Federal Holiday and it’s a day to make sure to have your flag flying. Both of my parents were my life. They loved me unconditionally. Their love was God rejoicing. Their faith was one in a million. I want a life like that.  I wish that I had it. I wish that I had the strength and the courage that both of my parents had. When they had a hardship of some kind or a disagreement of some kind they always found a way to still love each other conditionally. Many Holidays have passed since daddy passed away. Many countless days also. I am still managing to push through each and every day as best as I can. After my daddy passed. Most children have their siblings, or their spouses to help them out. I have no siblings, and my spouse was not very supportive and didn’t help me with any of the planning. None. He didn’t want any of my family to come and stay with us or spend time with us if he wasn’t liked by them. That’s a very long story, and my husband has his own thinking. He has helped me pay on the housing, the van, dad’s bills and then our own. But he has a way of holding a grudge with me, and blaming me for certain things and why we didn’t have money to do this or do that. While I don’t have much to say on this review of 2017, I do know that it has been busy, hard, emotional, stressful and overwhelming. I haven’t really been able to sleep a great deal. I wake up in the middle of the night, or I will wake up every hour on the hour. There’s yelling, fussing, screaming, being hurt, and many other feelings going on with me. Not having money has hurt us in the long run, because we are having a hard time paying dad’s bills and ours. Everything is still being dealt with in the estate. Trying to figure out what to do about the house, figured out what we will do with the van already, but for other things that I know I need to either sell, or give away to help bring in money. There are items that I really don’t want to get rid of because they are the only pieces that I have of my parents that mean something to me. I know though that I need to do something and I have the strangest feeling that I am just going to have to plan out a garage sale, and then possible sell the house that we currently live in. It may be the only way to manage dad’s estate. I don’t know though. Every time I try to think about or manage to do things, I begin to get fussed at, or yelled at, or screamed at, or someone says that only if you hadn’t quit your job. I know that I have failed at being a wife, and I know that I have failed myself at times, but I surely do not need to be reminded of it every day. I have so much on my mind that it will take forever to write down. I’m so confused, so hurt, so overwhelmed that I can not even think straight. I can’t even get into regular routines of doing things around the house because I know that as soon as I start to do something, I will loose motivation. October 2017 is a new month, new day, and a new week. The things that I have said that I am going to do and haven’t done. I am starting tomorrow. I have to make some changes for me or I may just end up back in the physic ward at the hospital. I just know that is not where I want to end up again, but if it comes to that at least I know that I will be taking care of for a little while. Well, I shall end this for right now. I will write again another day. Praying that I can take a journey to what I truly want for myself, my life, and my family.