Interesting – that’s all I can say. It isn’t even 10:00 a.m. yet and my hubby decided to question me about a bill being put in the mail. At 9:30 a.m. is when he starts this. Actually no he started this at 6:43 a.m. asking me if I have gotten his dad’s Father’s Day card yet. Goodness, let me freaking wake up, get dressed, get breakfast, and meds, and let me have some time to myself. Is that to dumb to ask for? I mean, look, we just paid some bills last night, we don’t have stamps, and I am not dressed to go anywhere yet. How could I have mailed the payment? It’s little tiny stuff like that, that he begins to get on my nerves with and he knows that I don’t usually get up until somewhere around 9:00 a.m. I am still trying to adjust to having a c-pap machine going, and he’s questioning me about every little detail. Let me get my morning caffeine in me – just like you want your morning coffee in you, I want my morning caffeine in me before I get these kinds of questions. Is that to crazy to ask for? No I don’t believe that it is. Sometimes I wonder if my hubby really remembers much of anything that I say to him. I always seem to be repeating myself to him, or answering questions that have no meaning, rhyme, or purpose. I mean yes, he had a car accident way before we even met. But seriously to keep playing that card. OMG (Oh My Goodness). I give him so  many chances and so many times he has failed to see that, because he will bring up things from the past that piss me off, because he will keep hounding away at it. Well, it’s already been an interesting morning? How is the rest of this day going to go?


Feelings #2

Wow, how about that. 2 times in 1 day about the same freaking topic. I can’t get a break.

About this one. My hubby and I are taking a cruise next April with my stepson and his girlfriend, my dad, hubby’s Aunt, and hubby’s parents. Well, hubby “gave” me permission to pay off the cruise for all of us. So I said okay. Well, that’s not what has brought me back a second time in 1 day for this posting. What has is as follows:

Just before I leave to go pay on our cruise for next year, dad brought the mail in. I looked through it and opened it all up so that we could look at it later this evening. I came across 2 checks from our place of employment. Both check’s were the same amount. I messaged the hubby and told him that I was going to put these 2 checks into the bank when I got back from AAA. So, I did. I used the Mobile Banking system that our bank has. I then get a message back which is at the end of his shift at work, while he is headed to his second job. This text reads as follows: “I want those in fun account.” = hubby; “I all ready deposited them in the main.” = me; “I want to do those checks” = hubby, “I had to sign them” = hubby; “Didn’t know. “All I had to do was write for mobile banking. You should have said something about it long before receiving the checks. How was I suppose to know.” = me; “They were made out to me” = hubby; “One was mine. Yes they were made out to you. I open the mail. I do the banking too. We are going to argue over this. we’ve never argued over it before. Such drama. I am finished with drama.” = me; “I thought putting them in the bank would be top priority but again I am wrong. I am always wrong. So from now on I guess I don’t open any mail with your name on it that may contain money. I won’t ever open any mail of yours anymore. So if you don’t open it before the time it expires then we have lost out on extra money that we could (excuse my language here) fucking have used. Don’t come crying to me over something that you forgot to do.” = me; “Also, since I don’t do anything right, as of today is the last time I will do any of your laundry. Don’t you ever touch mine again. You put one of my new blouses in the washer/dryer without reading the tag on it to see how it was to be washed. Thankful it still fucking fits.” = me; “So there you have control of all of your stuff.” = me. Hubby then tried to call me at this point and because his window was down or the air condition was on it made the connection really bad. So I then stated to him, “Roll up your fucking window if you want to talk to me on the phone.” = me. After listening to his voicemail that he left about the air condition and window. “The only thing that we will talk about is the bills that must be paid tomorrow or the first part of next week.” = me; “That’s not what I said you took out of context. If you care I made it.” = hubby; “I do care. I am just so tired of the drama that you want to pull with me. We can easily take the $150 and put it into the damn “FUN ACCOUNT” since you seem so hell bent out of shape over it. It’s not the end of the world.” = me.

So, as you can tell, this is how that conversation went about the darn 2 checks. He has not yet since replied to my last comment. I guess he must think that he won the argument, when in reality, he has not. You see, it was a few months back that my hubby had gotten all bent out of shape with money (once again – this has never changed), he stated that “we never have any money” – even when there is like 2-4 hundred in the account and it is the end of the month. I don’t understand his way of thinking on this and I never will. But the main thing here that I am upset and hurt by is that I have to “get permission” to make a deposit of money, when we are both married – TO EACH OTHER – Which gives us the right then to open each others mail (because they could be bills that need to be paid.)  God forbid that I do anything right. He always shows his backside when it comes to money. I work hard, I may not get the money I won’t or deserve, but I work. I may not have the greatest job – but it is a job. I try to find better jobs, they just are not out there for me right now, and no one is willing to work with me with school and having Sundays off for church. So until I find a way to be able to make money, pay bills, and do school, and get my Sundays off, hubby will never be happy. We have 3 different accounts. The first one we call “the main account”, the second one we call “the FUN ACCOUNT”, and the third account is my account for my thirty-one business so that he doesn’t have to see the money come out of the main account. He is working 2 jobs. I work 1 – regular part-time job, 1 – fun job (thirty-one), plus I am trying to work through 2 work from home business, along with caring for my dad, teaching Sunday school, playing the piano at the church, Church Historian, and special music leader, and in the choir. I also babysit now and then and help a friend out when they go out of town. So what am I to do, give up everything that I love to do? Am I to give up all of my friends and my family? No = he wouldn’t, so why should I. Anyways, I am trying to find ways to get ahead in some of our bills, and sometimes in order for you to start an at Home Based Business you have to fork out money to do so. I’ve done that but not even that much. I can spend like a $1.00 and he will still get all bent out of shape. So in less that 20 days, my hubby and I will be celebrating our 15th year anniversary of being married, and our 16th year of being together. (Our dog will celebrate her 14th birthday around the same time.) And we still seem to argue over the stupid stuff, or the stuff that we don’t want the other to have, or over money – no matter the amount.

I feel at this moment that any money that I get has to be given to him, because he has to have total control of everything. If I continue with “his drama” I could end up doing major damage to myself in the long run, and I don’t want that. So as I told him earlier I am done with his drama. So as of right now I am taking it upon myself to say this to myself. I am much better off without all of the drama, but because it is the way of life (thanks to Satan) I can be the bigger person and take control of my life back. This all begins with me I know. I have to take action if I really and truly want to be happy. Which of course I do, don’t we all?


What an interesting topic, don’t you think so? I am writing about feelings today, because mine have been hurt, and it’s a topic that I think that most of us think about. As some of you know, I am a Christian. I believe in Jesus Christ, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. You know that I am the Sunday school teacher for the 4th, 5th, and 6th grades. I am the pianist/flutist, I am in the Choir, and I am the Church Historian. But I don’t know that you know that I am also in charge of the Special Music at the church. I go around asking members of the church to sing special music on Sundays or Sunday nights, or even for revivals. Well, today I went to the church to get the list of songs for Sunday. I got them and everything there was fine. Recently I started posting a month at a time for Special Music. So that if for some reason I wasn’t at church then at least they could sign up for a morning or evening or even special events. Well, it hasn’t gone over so well yet. However, it’s only been going on for just a little over two -four months. Well, because I only do one month at a time some in the church feel that we should do 3 months at a time. Which is not how I want it done. Being the leader I should be able to make the final decision, because I don’t have anyone else but me to talk with unless I bring it to the Pastor. Well, it was brought to my attention last Wednesday night that some would like for me to post 3 months, so that they could sign up in advance. As that sounds like a good idea and I was willing to give it a try, I wanted to talk with the Pastor first on this. My concern is that the last time I tried to post more than one month it got lost and we had no clue as to who was doing what when. Well, today I went in and I got the numbers for Sunday. As I went to the church office I took a look at where we are posting the listings for special music. To my surprise, and to my disbelief, it was posted for June, July, and August. I didn’t question the secretary about it, because I figured that if she posted it, it was because someone told her to, like the Pastor. So I want to get my facts straight before I say anything to her. I am writing my feelings out about this so that I don’t keep them bottled up and resort back to where I want to hurt myself in someway. I am upset yes, but I also know that there are a few people in the church that think that they know what’s best on how to do things. But they don’t have a clue as to what goes into running a church, and they have no clue as to how music is suppose to be done. Yes, we as a church whole are trying to incorporate some of the new Christian/Contemporary Music so that we can reach the younger generations, and yet at the same time, trying to keep our older generations happy by singing the older hymns. Yes, or coarse it is hard to do, to keep everyone happy that is. I understand it to its fullest. However, I feel like I am being walked all over by certain members of the church who think that they no every little things about how things should be done. They are still to new at being a Christian, and they don’t know everything about music. As I sit here writing this I am trying to keep my cool on it. That’s why I don’t intend to post this unless I feel that I need to. This is more for me just to get my feelings out and down on paper or even in a journal, as to what is going on.  Although I feel that this needs to be posted I don’t intend to post it yet. This is just one of a few things that I am writing on feelings.

So, as you read the about story, you could since that my feelings have been deeply hurt over this music business. Well as I was sitting here just typing away, my father decided to make a comment to me, which pissed me off even more. It’s bad enough that he doesn’t “get” what I am talking about being walked all over. But every time that he hears me typing on the computer or laptop he thinks that I am posting how upset and angry I am on Facebook. Yeah, I would have originally posted this straight to Facebook before, but I have other ways to let it out and let it go. His comment was this, “I wouldn’t go posting anything on Facebook about it (my feelings about the special music stuff).” I replied right back with “I am not posting anything on Facebook.” He then commented that he guessed he deserved that. I wanted to tell him that he and Mike are always assuming that when I am typing on the laptop or computer I am always on Facebook, and that I am always posting about what just happened. Well, that use to be me. Now, I find other ways of posting certain feelings on Facebook. Only then when asked about it do I make mention of the actual thing that has caused that particular feeling. I did tell him that I wasn’t on Facebook posting anything. That I have other things to do on the computer than just complain and put everything out there like I use to. I really begin to hate “life” in general when I am told like I am still a little child that I shouldn’t do something or that I can’t tell someone to do something. At those times, I feel like I am just ready to bust out yelling and screaming at whoever said it. I am currently 39 years old and know what I can do, what I can’t do, what I can and cannot post online. I learned my lesson on that last year. Because members of the church felt that it was worth taking to the Pastor about it and not talking to me personally. Along with family members on the hubby’s side going and telling his parents about things that the saw on Facebook, and not talking to me first about it. That particular member of the family I don’t talk to unless she talks to me. Which won’t happen until she gets over the issue at hand. It seems like everyone around me thinks that they can continue telling me what to do, when to do it, how to do it, whatever “it” is. I believe that I am an adult and can make my own decisions about things. Why does everyone think that they can make decisions for me? Why does everyone think that I am not capable of knowing what’s best for me? It’s like they all want total control of my life and I am not allowed to have feelings at all. My husband thinks that way all the time. Which is why he always questions me about things that I do. Guess that this is one for my counselor to help try to explain to me.

So some probably want to know what I am doing about controlling my emotions and feelings. Well, not much. I no longer hold things in and bottle them up. I no longer let people walk all over me. I don’t put up with crap. If they dish it out, then I dish it back. My husband has learned not to piss me off, because then he return I don’t piss him off. My father on the other hand, hasn’t learned to not upset me or I will begin to take it personally – too personally. I get so tired of hearing about this or that. I keep trying to tell dad, not to keep things bottled in and to tell us what he is feeling, and then there are days when I feel like I am suppose to take care of whatever “it” maybe. When I don’t know what he wants done. He doesn’t like being fussed over, he keeps saying that he doesn’t want anything for this or that. Which I totally understand. Of coarse when it comes to dad I try to be a little more cautious as to how I reply to him, seeing as how he is my father, and he is older. I respect my elders, especially my parents.  So it becomes hard at times when dad thinks that he knows what’s best at the time, which usually is not.

Life must go on, and our feelings will get hurt, we will get upset, we will get angry, we will hurt someone else, we will say things that we don’t mean, we will argue with others, but we must not keep our feelings bottled up. Our feelings will just eat us up inside if we don’t let them out. I’ve learned this over the last few years going to counseling. My counselor tells me not to hide anything, and not to bottle it up inside, that it will just destroy me. Which he’s been correct on many times. So now I let out what I feel at that moment, and if it is anger I make sure that the person understands that it wasn’t directed completely at them. Life has it’s way of making sure that we are always mixed up, but that also has to do with Satan wanting control of our every moves. It’s an awesome feeling of knowing that God will always be there for us no matter what. God will always keep us in check. That’s why, even though I can get upset and hurt easily, I give it over to God immediately at that time. God is always my strength no matter what life wants to throw at me – I should say what Satan tries to throw at me.

Well, I am exhausted from this writing today. Think that I will get back to work on my part-time jobs, and school work. Thankful today that I don’t have to work Home Depot. 🙂




Well, it’s been a couple of crazy weeks. The days have been long, and the nights shorter. I’ve been studying hard for my class, working my part-time job, trying to take care of the house, watch over dad, take care of my family, and trying to work 2 other jobs as well. Along with trying to take time out for me, myself, and I. Unfortuantly I have only been able to take care of myself in the way of going to doctor appointments, and taking Excedrin migraine or Tylenol. Seems that lately sleep is not there for me. A couple of weeks ago, I did the sleep study at home. Turned in my equipment, and went this past Tuesday, for the results. I was diagnosed with a mild form of sleep apnea. So, now I am on a c-pap machine. I was told that I stop breathing at least 12 times a night. I’ve only been using the machine now for two nights. The first night I did manage to get some sleep. The second night, well you can probably guess how that’s going. Not very well seeing as how I am writing this at 2:40 a.m. Seems like when I first go to bed and I finally get comfortable with the machine and the breathing, that I then wake up and can’t go back to sleep for about an hour or two. So tonight I decided to take advantage of this time of being awake and being a bit productive on my end. Sleep is a wonderful thing when you can get it. But when you’ve been awake for hours and can’t sleep, it makes you wonder what is on your mind that is so important. I guess I have many things on my mind that are important. But to keep me awake? To keep me from getting the sleep that I need? Ugh! I dislike not being able to sleep or being so tired that I could and don’t. I know that the two biggest things on my mind at this time of the night are: 1) fasting blood work in the morning, and 2) going to sleep. What are some tricks that you’ve done to stay in bed sleeping? What are some things that you’ve done to get your mind to relax? A few of these things for me is usually forcing myself to stay in the bed and let my body relax. Other things might be to take more medicine for my migraine. Life can throw us fast balls, slow balls, or curve balls, but to throw us a ball that is already way out into left field, can make you wonder. Well, now that I have let my mind wonder I am going to try to go and lay back down. The c-pap machine has to be on at least 4 hours a night. I’ve only just made it to 3 hours. My hubby asked me how long I was to have it on. I couldn’t answer him real well, but I told him that it was at least for the rest of my life. But who knows. I don’t know of anyone who gets off the c-pap machine, but then, I am not a doctor or a nurse, so I couldn’t tell ya.  Well I think that it is time for me to try to get back to sleep. Talk with you soon. God Bless.

Fertility and Money

We all know that there are people out there that can not have children for some reason or another. We also know that there are people out there that can but chose not too. We also know that there are people out there that can and have no partner, or that have a partner but need help with fertility. I am one of those people that know that I can still get pregnant, and it’s now to the point that I am in need of help through a fertility specialist. So I took the necessary steps to start the process. I figured that if after 15 years I still haven’t gotten pregnant something is going on that is a little more serious than I originally thought. The information that I received this morning in my Fertility and Reproductive appointment was very eye opening and really got me to thinking seriously about what steps I need to take in my life to 1) be happy, 2) and to have the family that I am meant to have.

Time and time again, my husband has said when we first got married that he didn’t want kids after he turned 40. So that gave me 10 years to get pregnant. Well, things didn’t happen like they were suppose to. So here we are 15 years later and still no biological child. My husband is now 44 and will be turning 45 in September. I am 39 and will turn 40 in November. So as you can see things just haven’t worked out like they should have. Over the last couple of years I have really brought up having a child of my own more often. He’s reluctant but is willing to have a child with me. Well, as I mentioned earlier that I haven’t be able to get pregnant. So I finally decided that even though I know that it will cost probably thousands of dollars to see the fertility specialist and to get help, I did it. I need to know for a fact that there is no possible way for me to have a child of my own – biologically that is.

So, I make it to this appointment this morning, turn in my paperwork, sit down, and wait to be called back. All the while thinking what am I doing wrong that I can’t get pregnant. What am I doing that is hurting my chances. The first thing that was brought to my attention was that about eating more protein, and less carbs. The next was how my body is producing the insulin, and it is telling my brain not to send FSH. So I’m not ovulating. Wow, that explained a great deal to me. Grant it, it is a lot to take in on the first appointment, but it sure did help in acknowledging where I need to begin and what I need to do in order to try and get things going in the right direction. After the appointment I came home and reflected on what was told to me this morning. I didn’t really do any reading on the information that I was given, but at the same time just what had been discussed was enough to keep me pondering the outcome of my talk with the hubby. I sent my hubby a text message letting him know that we would need to talk about the things that I found out today, and the things that needed to be done today. He said okay. Well when he got home I was laying down in bed, just waking up from a nap that was well deserved. We talked a little bit and I mentioned to him that he needed to do a sperm donation in the cup on the table, but that it had to be done in a certain time frame.  He turned his body and had a look of disgust on his face, and asked, “How much is it going to cost?” and then “Why? I’ve already done this.” As I explained to him that even though we had done this stuff years ago, things can change not only with me, but with him as well. I learned that his sperm may not be as healthy as they once were. And that there were many reasons that things could have changed. I also reminded him that we had done the testing of his sperm back when we were going to a certain doctor who we no longer go to. So it’s been at least 6 or 7 years since that screening. Then he wanted to have sex just because he was going to have to be missing work for appointments with the specialist, and because he “wanted it” anyway. I told him no, not now. I didn’t give in to his whining of sex. After his whining I started to realize that he never wanted children with me. He wanted someone who is his sex toy, and that will no all the hours that they can to make money for him. Yep, that’s right. Money, and sex are his top priority. Not making sure that I am happy, healthy, and can have children. Money, money, money and himself is all that he cares to think about.

As I sit here at the table getting ready to start my homework for my class I see the collection cup on the table. I see the folder that I was given for the things that I need to do. I am wondering, if it is seriously worth it to go through the process with someone who proved that he doesn’t want any more children. Do I need to prove to myself otherwise, that he does want them and that I am just doing it to “spend money”? I don’t know. That’s where I’m stuck. I know that I want to go through this process to see if it is even possible. If not the doctor has already agreed to stop, because he doesn’t want us to waste time and money. I’m just concerned and wonder where it will all lead to once this process is fully under way.

Remember, if you have a loved one or a friend that is going through this type of issue be supportive, and remind them that they are loved. Remind them that with faith in God anything is possible.

My Buddy

I met this young child when he was just at the age of 2. Who is this child? He is my stepson Adam Kelly Newbauer. I met his dad in July 2000 and we married in July 2001. When we married Adam was then 3 years old. He became the light of my life at that young age. So much has gone on in his life with his mom, and his dad. From the beginning of my time with him I always made sure that he understood that no matter what was happening that he was loved by everyone. Fast forward to today. Over the many years I have watched him grow into a fine young man that would make Grandma Betty proud. He has really grown, and he has accomplished several of life’s many obstacles. He turned 18 this past February 14. He moved in with us and he’s had a wonderful 2-3 months with us. He’s relaxed, he’s working a job that has helped raise him. (Hubby and Adam work for the Home Depot – RDC in Monroe.) I couldn’t be more proud of this young man. This week was final exams for him at school. He graduates this coming Saturday, May 21st. His dad and I are so proud of him and everything that he has accomplished. He may not be mine biologically however I did help raise him, and I did teach him how to drive. Some of the many highlights that a parent gets to do.  When ever I got to spend time with him while he was with us I watched him learn how to do things, I watched him learn some sports, I watched him learn to read, write, and learn an instrument (even though he didn’t stay with it), and I’ve watched him during church services. Most of his young life was spent going back and forth between his mom and dad. Being with us he’s had a more stable environment and he’s learned more. He walks with his classmates on Saturday and I know that this is a step that he has longed to see. This is a step into actual adult hood where he now has to chose what college/university he will go to, what his life long goals are, and short term goals. I look at him everyday thanking God for letting me be a part of his life. Even with all of my issues with depression, I have managed to make things tolerable and now have managed to help him begin learning more things about managing his money, paying bills, how and where to keep the important papers that he needs to keep. I’ve also noticed that he is in love. Deeply in love with his girlfriend. Savannah. She is a beautiful young lady, and they have a love like no other. Yes, like typical boyfriend/girlfriend they have their moments with fights, disagreements, etc. However, they have learned in just the short time they’ve been together, how to laugh, how to have fun, how to treat each other with respect. The more that I think of what he has had to deal with growing up, and to where he is now, right now, it makes me a very proud stepmom – MOM. Yes, I am no longer calling myself his stepmom, but his mom. I’ll never be able to take the place of his biological mother nor will I ever try to which he knows. He knows though that I will always be just a phone call, or text away if he needs anything. (When he leaves the nest so to speak.) Well, before I begin to cry and get all misty eyed I am going to go. Adam if you read this just remember – 1) I will always love you as my own, 2) Your loved by many, 3) Keep your faith in God, 4) Always keep smiling and laughing! I LOVE YOU BUDDY! CONGRAUTLATIONS ON GRADUATING HIGH SCHOOL!


As I sit here this evening listening to the news, and filling out some paperwork I am wondering if it is even worth it. What is it? Infertility/Reproductive. My OBGYN said that I was not ovulating after taking the multiple blood work and urine tests. I received the paperwork in the mail today from the Reproductive Medicine Clinic. I’ve never filled out this much paperwork for a medical appointment. Should I or should I not even go through with this appointment? I guess you could say that I am scared of what the outcome will be. What if I never become pregnant? What if I never get to have that true feeling of what it is like to have a little person growing inside of me? What if…..? Yes, I do know that there is adoption. I just want to have those feelings that every new parent, every new mother feels. Yes I have a stepson who I just absolutely adore, but he’s not mine biologically. What are your thoughts on the process of Infertility/Reproductive? I had said that I didn’t really want to go to a specialist because I know that the pricing will be high. I pray though that the prices are not so high that we truly can not afford it. I am so mixed and torn right now that I just don’t know what to do. I never would have thought that it would come to this. I know that there are others in my family that have had problems, but at the same time they have been able to do what was needed in order to have their own. I am not as lucky as they are. However, I can’t give up all hope on this. I have to be able to do something with the very last restort being to adopt.

Trials and Tribulations

What a week/month it has been since I last wrote. So much has happened that it’s hard to figure out where to start with this post. It’s amazing how quickly things can change in just a month’s time. Update on my health. Things are going pretty good, still working on getting my diabetes under complete control. My numbers have been all over the board over the last couple of weeks, and so I am going to get some logs put together and get them to the doctor to find out what we can try. Otherwise, I’m still trying to walk daily and do some exercises here at home with weights and stuff. Doesn’t always work but I did do some just the other day, and I really felt good after doing it. So I’m trying to work on getting back into my walking daily and exercises so that I can loose the weight and prayerfully get off some of my medications.  Then I’ve had more frequent headaches lately and some of that is due to not getting enough sleep, not sleeping well when I do, sugars not being to high among other stressful situations. Recently my stepson Adam moved in with us. He no longer lives with him mom, he is now 18 of coarse and can decide where to live anyways. So, with the added stress of school, working – 2 part-time jobs, taking care of my dad, my hubby, my stepson, and the dog. I also do many things at the church where some of that is about to come to an end for a little while at least. Only because I do need the break. Starting in July I will begin taking 2 class every other 8 weeks and 1 class every other 8 weeks. It should be interesting.  I might have to make a few changes to my work schedule at the Home Depot, but right now I’m not going to make any changes. I need to see how it goes first.

My topic of coarse is on trials and tribulations. As you can see I have many things going on and I am always stressed over something. So what do I do to try to relieve some of that? I read, crochet, cross stitch, practice/play the piano/flute/violin, listen to music, take naps, go for drives or walks. It just all depends on the day and what needs to be done. Taking today for instants. I have chapters to read for class, but I also had to get laundry done, go to a doctor’s appointment, post some things on my business page for my thirty-one business, let the dog out. I also spent time with my step son asking him what he would like to do for graduation. Would he like money or a cruise. He chose the cruise, so I started talking with him about different places to go see and to see what he wanted to do, where he wanted to travel. He chose Mexico. So, we are going to plan that trip for next year even though he graduates May 2016. Primarily so that we can get plenty of money saved up for that trip.  So, I’ve got a lot on my plate, a lot going on. Plus there are other things that need to be done around the house. Many of those things are going through things and getting rid of clothes that I do not wear, getting rid of some what-knots (downsizing), going through the different things such as books, etc. Of coarse some of it is very hard to do because I just don’t know where to begin, and trying to get my dad to go through things such as paperwork that he doesn’t need, go through clothing that he no longer wears, helping with the house cleaning, it can all take a toll on me. My hubby is currently working a lot of overtime at work, plus working a part-time job, so I don’t ask him to do a lot of things except to keep some things neat and tidy/clean, we argue over many different things like any married couple – money being the biggest issue. Trying to get my 18 year old stepson to keep his room tidy/clean is another ordeal. He’s got clothes every where. I look at it this way though. He’s got a real roof over his head, he’s got clothes to wear, he’s got food to eat, and family that loves him to death and wants to see him succeed in the things that he wants to do. So I don’t ask him to do to much. He’s working part-time until he graduates, he’s got a car that runs, he’s making plans to go into the military if he can lose the weight needed. Along with going to school. So in all of these trials and tribulations that I am going through I take the time to just sit back and thank God for everything he has given me and continues to give me. So with everything listed here I continue to refer back to a certain Bible verse – Philippians 4:13 (KJV) – I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.  This is my life verse. As long as I stay focused on this verse and the Bible in general my life is filled with joy, love, and I will always be grateful for what God has done in my life.

More updates will come as the days and months progress. Take care and I’ll write again soon.

God Bless!

New Light

Shedding a new light in order to see the future. Yep, that is what I am prayerfully trying to do. I’ve been going to school now for a little over a year at DeVry University. They have a satellite office in Beavercreek. I’ve been doing fairly well at the courses that I have already taken with A’s and B’s. The last class that I had just finished 2 weeks ago I didn’t do nearly as well in, but I received a C and told myself that just because I got a C doesn’t mean that I did as terrible as I had thought. Seeing as how I had totally messed up on a test/quiz and then on the Final. It’s not going to get me down in the dumps like it use to in years past. In fact it’s made me more determined to study harder and revamp some study habits. However, this isn’t all that is shedding a New Light for me.

Last week I wrote my husband a letter, and told him how I have been feeling about many different things over the last couple of months with our marriage and relationship. Because of our work schedules we have a really hard time getting time to just sit down and talk and spend any quality time together. So in this letter I explained how I felt and how I think it would help us in the long run to handle certain situations differently. So far we have. In fact this New Light is partly because just since Friday we’ve spent a little more quality time together (which yes it did put a damper on my first week of class), but it was needed. However, there are other issues rising up that are going to get us into a heated argument when we go to talk about our bills this next Thursday/Friday. Well, that’s where I am going to discuss things with him and how we handle all money in our accounts. We both have a tendency to spend when we believe that we have enough money to cover us until 2 weeks later. In some cases we do, other cases, like this past week and weekend, we don’t have enough to carry us to Friday this week. (I just checked – 😦 – oh well). We both goofed up and right now there is nothing that either of us can do about and there is no need for either of us to get upset at the other. Thank goodness though I will be getting paid from a Thirty-One party I did get to close out on Saturday. However it won’t be until the 25th of the month but I’ve got customers that have to pay me with a check or cash anyways. That’s the only way that they prefer to pay. Which is fine for me if I have the money or an actual credit card that I can use just for this reason. But when you are so broke yourself that you can barely pay for your item, it makes a huge difference.  Especially when all of your resources are used up because your spouse wanted to do things differently in years past. Well, anyway, I’ll not get on that soapbox, because if I do the words will come back to haunt me.. lol.

Back to this New Light. I was at church Sunday Morning for Sunday school at 9:45 a.m. and then for morning worship at 11:00 a.m. During the Sunday school hour I had sent my 1 student to another class where I thought that he would have a little more fun and be able to do some games. I had mentioned to the Pastor’s wife that I was going to try to get some major reading done for my class because I was already behind and it was the end of the first week. So, she took him into her class. As the time went by I managed to get the room set and prepared for the next Sunday school class hour for next week. And as I was in my classroom, I began to really think about the next church year that we are getting ready to start filling positions for. I began to pray as I did things in the room. I asked God to show me where my priorities lie. I asked him to show me, that if my studying for class was much more important than teaching the 4th, 5th, and 6th graders in Sunday school. I then asked God to also show me if my marriage was really as important as it should be, and that if it is where do I begin. Which is partly why I am still up at 3:00 a.m. on Monday morning (thank goodness I don’t have to work today or I would be in trouble.. lol.). It was during the Pastor’s sermon, actually just before that when the choir was singing “On the Road to Emmaus” as our Special for today. I began to really hear this song more (as I was up in the choir singing) and really began to fill a tug at my heart. As the song went on that tug began to grow more, so when I sat down I said ‘Okay Lord, you have my attention.’ Little did I know that I was going to get a message that I needed to hear more about, and to regain control of my own actions. Yikes! Yep I just said that. I have always thought that I had control of my own actions, but as I was shown in our message today from Romans 12:1-2 (HCSB),  I really haven’t been. Hello – where’d the light come from? Yep, there’s the New Light. So, as my Pastor spoke I listened (even though I didn’t really want to hear what was being said today because I had just way to much on my mind), but he spoke on a topic that he doesn’t usually ever bring up in his messages. FACEBOOK. Yep that is right. As he spoke, I thought about all of the times that I had written about wanting to commit suicide and not wanting to lie any longer. How I posted this information out there for the whole world to see. I don’t think that I realized it then what kind of impact it would eventually have on my life. I had friends, oh so many friends, that I didn’t realize that I had, who really showed they cared and wanted to know what was going on and why I was having these kinds of thoughts. Well, there were and still are some major things as to why I had those thoughts. 1) My mother had passed away. 2) Both set of grandparents were now gone. 3) I didn’t believe that my spouse really cared or loved me. 4) Never believed that his family cared for me or loved me. 5) My dad was depressed and missing mom. 6) I had not been able to have a child. 7) Spouse kept telling me over the years that he didn’t want any more children. 8) I was fat, ugly, etc. There was more but I have since worked so hard and come so far that I just don’t think about that time in my life any longer. I think more about when I rededicated my life to Jesus Christ in my Pastor’s office with him and his wife. In fact, if it had not been for the two of them being in the right place at the right time I don’t believe that I would be here and able to share my story.  I began thinking more about this during his sermon on Sunday. I sat there and felt like crying because what I had done in the last 10 years was post a lot of negativity about myself and my life on FACEBOOK. However, I also began to smile, because I knew that what I had recently started to do and pay more attention to was not myself, but to God and listening to what God wants me to do and where he wants me to be. Over the last several years I have posted many different Bible verses or scriptures, Bible studies, Devotionals, and now I post a favorite Poet. When I post these poems I make sure that people understand that, that is all it is for me and nothing more. There are no hidden meanings behind these poems for me. Even though I know that some probably should. They just don’t.

One day last week or the week before I posted that I felt stupid, and that I just didn’t feel like things were going right. However, when I posted those statements, there was no hidden messages, or thoughts, just me stressing how I felt in the moment because my spouse and I had just fought over money. But I realized that I didn’t say anything after posting those 2 different statements. I didn’t let people know at that moment that truly everything was fine, and that I was not going to harm myself. I was just feeling so stressed out and hurt that I had to vent a little. So, you see, in this ‘New Light’ I realized that I needed to really take on responsibility for my actions. Like when I go to the grocery store and end up paying $350.00 in groceries and some clothing. That’s not what I had gone in for and I seriously thought that I had items listed on my perks card. Little did I know that there wasn’t anything at all. So it really surprised the heck out of me and I have been trying to figure out how in the world I was going to be able to discuss this with my spouse. Well then it was all week long where I couldn’t get the nerve up to discuss it, and still haven’t figured out how too yet. Then over the weekend we go walking at the mall and we were suppose to talk about my letter that I had written him, and that’s where I was hoping that I would get up the nerve to tell him what I had done. Nope, still haven’t said anything. So when he started spending money and buying things with the debit card, I realized that once he finds out he will get pissed off, and he will fuss, and yell, and scream, and call me every name in the book. So, when I heard the pastor’s sermon that’s when I realized that I should have just put off somethings till this next payday for a catalog party that I was closing out this past Saturday. Just in that evening alone, I spent $425.00 ish. Not got especially when I spent the other amount for groceries.

So with the New Light, I’ve made a few decisions in just a couple of hours after that sermon, that I was going to talk with my counselor and my pastor, about a few things. So today will be that day. Prayerfully when I get home today I can shed some light on a few things for myself and then I will be able to explain to my spouse how I fudged up and let him believe what he was about our money situation. Things will come to a head, and he’ll fuss and I am sure that words will be said that shouldn’t be, but as long as I can keep my cool and let him know that it wasn’t done intentionally, and that I had seriously miss calculated my numbers that day I went to get groceries. Hopefully and prayerfully my spouse will understand that things do happen and that we just need to get a better plan and try to stick with it. So, I share all of this with you, to say this. God will always show us a New Light, a new path to walk on. He will find away to show us where we need to slow down, and where we need to make adjustments in our lives. When it comes right down to it, as the pastor said, “I’m fed up to here with the stuff on Facebook. About my sheep.” So in at this time I’ve decided that there will be a lot of posts that don’t get posted on my Facebook page because my page is going to be revamped and things are going to change even more now.

I wasn’t planning on doing any writing today, but felt lead by the Holy Spirit to share. I pray that everyone who sees this will take into thought what it truly costs us in the long run when we share certain things on Facebook. Remember, no matter what you do share, it’s out there for the whole world to see. Be careful with your posting and don’t let Satan tear you down. Praying for each and every one of you. Take care and God Bless.

It’s a Fabulous Day!

What a fabulous day this is. The sun is shinning bright, it’s a bit windy, the snow on the ground is melting, and the temps are to be up in the high 50’s to low 60’s today. I went to bed at a decent time last night which in the way my weeks have gone lately is really good. Although I may not have fallen asleep right away, I did manage to get a full 8 hours.

I started a journey this year using the Fitbit. So far I have accomplished goals that I didn’t think that I would. Although I am still not doing to well with some things, I have noticed that I am doing better with others. Taking pop for instance. I would normally drink one right after the other all day every day. Whether it was diet or regular. Over the last year though I had started drinking a little more water through out the day. Although I must say I have drank more water within the last couple of weeks than all of last year I think. I started a workout session with a coworker last year and towards the holidays we kind of just stopped with the workouts. So I have taken it upon myself to start going for my walks again (even though I may not do it daily – I still do it). So on this journey I have started to really focus in as well on my eating habits. I’ve noticed when I really begin to want sweets, and junk food compared to eating healthy treats and foods. Although I have not done well with this portion yet, it is still a work in progress. So, you see some changes still need to be made and need to be worked on. That is just what I plan to do.

Starting today – February 19, 2016 – I have decided to really focus in not only on the foods that I am eating but the drinks that I am drinking – such as pop. I am choosing to get healthier than I am and to lose the weight. Not only is this a life changing ordeal, but I will be working on my mind set and exercise routines. I’ve noticed that I don’t always get up and do a work out or even make an effort to try. I usually get up, get dressed for the day, make the bed, take blood sugars and med, fix and eat breakfast, and then sit at the computer most of the day unless I am having to go to work. Which I am usually checking Facebook, emails, and or doing school work. I may even be playing a game. I don’t do an chores unless I have too. I don’t do any exercises, and I don’t really do anything for fun. All of this is the reason I am making changes in my life starting today. So far today I have gotten up later than I wanted – 9 a.m., I did manage to make the bed, and I got dressed for the day. I have had breakfast which consisted of a bowl of ceral and milk, a diet cola, and now I have had lunch which consisted of 2 pieces of pizza – a piece of pepperoni, and supreme. However, instead of getting a pop I grabbed a bottle water that I had started yesterday. I’ve also already posted on Facebook, and I have posted in my discussion threads for class. So I am a little bit ahead of the game today. Although my lunch may not have been healthy choice, I am still ahead. Everyday will be a struggle and a challenge, but I know that it will be well worth it. I’m off now to finish out the plan for the day and to work some on my side business – Thirty-One. Making some changes there as well. Have an awesome blessed day!